I think there comes a point where you just throw your hands up in the air and say, "This is CRAZY!! Something has GOT to change, or I'm going to go completely bonkers!"
I often wonder - have I fulfilled my destiny? Am I even on the right path? I don't mean with marriage, kids, etc - I
know those relationships are meant to be. I know that God has set me here.
But within this context, am I on the right track? Beyond the scope of being a mama, what am I meant to be? What am I meant to do? Surely I'm not meant to be a worn-out 29-year-old mother of two. Surely I'm not meant to go through each day wondering if and when I'll reach my dreams. Goodness, I
know I'm not meant to merely exist within this God-given role of wifedom and motherhood!!
What holds us back, I wonder? For both Christians and non-Christians, I would daresay that fear is a major demotivator. I would even take it a step further and say that fear of
failure is a major demotivator. How many dreams and aspirations die because we fear to fail? As I look back over the last 15 years of my life, I could make a list as long as my arm of the dreams - both long and short-term - that have been dashed.
I'm not talking about certain dreams; things I have no control over - I'd dreamed of being a mama by the time I was married for 2 or 3 years. I never wanted to lose those babies...I never wanted to go through that pain... in the middle of dreams that die beyond our control comes new life and new dreams. God chose a better path - God gives new hope and growth despite the death of a dream. In that pain, God shapes us and transforms our hearts beyond our own graspings. I can never explain why a good God would allow such suffering; all I know is that He IS good. He IS faithful. He IS loving. If God didn't allow challenges to come into our lives, we would never be refined as gold is refined by fire. That's the best I can explain it.
I have dreams. I have goals. But I also have failures. I fail daily. I don't want to, but I do. On my own, I am weak.
I have goals. I do not want to be worn out already. I dream of having more children (this isn't news). I dream of having energy. Ironic, I know. I dream of being healthy. I long to know people - to find out what makes people tick. I deeply desire to grab hold of those things that make people inwardly successful. I want to get close to people who have fulfilled their passions, and follow the same path! I want to be a God-follower, but O God, I am so unable!!
I want to be a woman of influence...I want to change lives...I want to have my own life transformed...I want to be so much more than "worn out". I grieve at all the possibilities that lay before me, yet I have no power to attain them because of my current limitations. I
know I have the potential to "get there", but I'm afraid to step out in faith. God will supply the shortcomings - I know this in my head, but my heart won't follow quite yet. I'm afraid to step out in faith because there are people close to me who will work tirelessly to squelch my dreams and desires.
I deeply long to take risks. But I feel so trapped by the undertakings of those who are afraid to risk themselves. I want to live outside of my little box of tiredness. Faith means stepping out even when we can't see the answer, and watching God supply. I can't imagine that God would lay a desire so strongly on my heart (and I'm not talking just about babies) and then not allow me to fulfill it. At this point, it's not God who has stopped me, but I've allowed
people to stop me.
I know that dreams happen in a season. I understand that my dreams won't all come true tomorrow. I want to live in the joy and anticipation of fulfilling my destiny in Christ. But one mention of dreams...one twinkle of life in my eye...and the dreams are stepped on and trodden upon as foolish... unattainable... too much work... too complicated.... I'm afraid to even mention those dreams anymore because I'm tired of the opposition.
Last I checked, achieving goals was not easy. It's not straight-forward. There's a process and juggling that has to happen. I don't want to go through life taking the easy straight smooth path...that's boring! I want to go where God wants me to go...I want to live a life that breathes the essence of my Lord & Savior...I want to live a life where people want to know my Reason for living...I want to go to my grave and have people say of me, "She wasn't afraid to pursue her God-given dreams." I want my kids to be bold & courageous and embrace their destiny with vigor and passion, and let nothing stand in their way. I want my kids to see that modelled in ME!
I want to worship. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to be *allowed* to be excited about my faith. I want to have energy & strength again. I want to erase the effects of past illnesses & circumstances - I will allow them to shape me and motivate me further, but I don't want to hinder me anymore. I want to be free to live abundantly. I want to surround myself and learn from people who are passionate about the same things I am passionate about. I want to give of myself more than I could even fathom.
It's time to take action. One small step at a time. The steps will likely be so small that they will probably go unnoticed. And then, one day, maybe years from now, my biggest critics will realize that I've done far more with my life than they *thought* I could ever do, based on man's limitations. Maybe they'll realize that God is so much bigger and able. And then they'll wonder what they missed out on. And then maybe, just maybe, they'll use their remaining days to take risks and act in faith, and let God do amazing things in them, too.
Oh God, would you do some incredible things in me in these coming days, months, & years? Would You unsettle me from the comfort of complacency? Would You burn a holy fire in me that is unquenchable? Would You open doors of healing and opportunity? Would You increase my faith?
Now, I will wait on you, Lord, for the "steps"...and I will pursue You...and only You...my God... Let Your fire fall...
