Not sure I'm strong enough...

About a year and a half ago - maybe a touch more - I went through this phase with Meaghan.  I thought I'd written a big blog post about it, but apparently it was too traumatic, and I didn't go through with a detailed post.

Meaghan was around 8 months old when she started her biting-during-nursing phase.  She started out with little nips here and there, but it escalated, then one day I realized she'd gotten to 20-30 times a day.  *every day*.

With the boys - getting their biting under control was pretty quick.  Joshua took about a week to figure it out; Dustin took about 2 weeks.  They were both around 8 months old at the time.  Meaghan took three months.  It was harrowing; three months of not enjoying our nursing relationship at all... but I believed in it enough to fight for it.  Things eventually got better.  I think I had at least a dozen tricks up my sleeve, and used every single one of them.  Finally I gave in and spent the $20 on an amber teething necklace; problem completely resolved within 36 hours.

Spencer has been at it for about 2 weeks now.  He just started with one nip every couple of days... now it's *every* feed.

Those little razors in his mouth are SHARP!!

Actually, come to think of it, he was clamping down on me before those teeth even popped through... he got them at 4 months.  Two teeth in one day.  So, I guess it's been almost 6 weeks of sporadic clamping, but two weeks of "oh my goodness, I think we have a problem here".

I feel like I'm reliving every moment of what I went through with Meaghan - the tears, the frustration, the emotions... not to mention the hormones raging from suddenly not nursing the same as I was before...  UGH!!

I'm not sure I'm in a spot where I can go through this again - although I know I will fight for it - but still.  I've had so much going on with him already, and with my other kids, and I am *spent*.  Most of the time, I don't feel strong enough to fight.

Maybe he wants real food...?

Kisses, my love!

Today, I gave in.

I could no longer contain myself.

I kissed my son's cheeks.  It had been over 7 weeks since I've been able to lay my lips on Spencer's cheeks, and I've been aching over it.  He has made SUCH an improvement over the last few days, and I could no longer resist the calling of his sweet, soft, beautiful cheeks.  He's not 100% perfect, but really, really good... good enough for me to 'risk' whatever it is that's left to risk.  He looks amazing.  Like a completely different kid.

I smothered him in about a hundred kisses. He will get a hundred more before the day is done.  Maybe two hundred.

And he laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and giggled hysterically... and got mad when I stopped...  oh, how I will never take kissing a sweet baby's cheeks for granted ever again.

So precious.  I'm so thankful.

He laughed

Yesterday, I took Spencer's sleeper off.

I buried my face in his sweet soft belly and made hilarious nom-nom noises.

He laughed.

I cried.

It's been weeks since I've heard my baby laugh.  The infection and pain have caused him to barely be able to grunt a tiny giggle.  He would heretofore be mildly amused with such antics, but he actually got a significant amount of relief from the first two treatments of his new prescribed protocol from the paediatrician.

Today, he laughed some more.
He is content.
His cheeks aren't angry and oozing any more, though they still are red.  The fire on is elbows and legs is fading.  We are not out of the woods, but we are going to beat this thing.  If I had to bathe him twice a day for a million days, I'd still do it.

He is still not sleeping at night.  It's worse than when he was a newborn.  Before his rash and infection started, he'd been sleeping 10-11 hours at night.  Not any more - I'm lucky to get 2 or 3 hours at a time out of him at night.  Between that and three other sick kids (just colds, but interruptive nonetheless) and a sick ME, I'm finding myself unable to cope as well as I'd like.

It's still worth it.

Another Spencer Update

Here's a slightly edited excerpt I sent to a friend earlier tonight, regarding sweet Spencer's appointment with the dermatologist:

Well, my greased baby pig is finally in bed... it's been a very, very long day. He got one good nap today; I called Graeme's mom to come and get Meaghan much earlier than she'd originally planned; I was so sick I needed the break and desperately hoped that Spencer would stay asleep long after Meaghan left. Well, he woke up the instant Graeme's mom showed up; he stayed up til about 45 minutes before we had to leave for the dermatologist's... I got about 10 minutes of 'dozing' in before the phone rang.  The rest of the day for sleeping for him was a disaster...

Made it to the doctor's well in advance of appointment time. Good thing, because I had forms to fill out!! Then we sat, I nursed Spencer, and he was super-cute and super-smiley to all the other patients.

I found Dr. K to be very, VERY good with me. He checked Spencer over, and he was very thorough with explaining everything to me. He gave me all the time *I* needed, and answered all of my questions scientifically and yet understandably. I appreciated how he handled us.

The long and short of it is this: Spencer still has the staph infection, he still has impetigo, and he's got eczema all over his body - elbows, head, backs of knees, stomach, hands... 

The treatment? ready?

Bath twice a day, 20 minutes each. Straight water - no soap - but add a capful of bleach to the bath. Pat semi-dry, then immediately apply the following:

One antibiotic called Clindamycin (antibiotic) mixed to a 2% ratio in a base called Elocom (a steroid cream). This goes on his face and the back of his neck and the backs of his legs (where it's infected).

Another cream - straight Elocom - all over the rest of his eczema'd areas.

Then, grease him up like a literal greased pig in a generous layer of vaseline - ALL over his body - and I do mean every square inch - to lock in the moisture from his bath.

After 3 weeks, I will be able to stop using the first cream and switch to another called hydroval for his face; but take a one-week break with the 'body' elocom before starting again. Baths are to continue, as is vaseline, twice daily.

This *should* work.

So I've done it once... and it was exhausting. The kid is so strong and squirmy, it's a two-person job to get him greased properly. That, plus the clindamycin preparation stung him so badly he screamed... it should not be so bad in a day or two once his skin starts healing. That, plus the other kids getting in the way... one (ahem, Dustin) sitting on the toilet lid, and when I asked him to move, he jumped down onto my ankle as I knelt over the big tub trying to keep Spencer from drowning himself; another (ahem, Meaghan) trying to open every single tube of ointment I got from the pharmacy today...

Oh, the t-shirts this will ruin, too... my whole upper body is a complete mess from the first vaseline application. I'm going to go and buy a few cheap sleepers for Spencer, too, so that he doesn't ruin his good clothes.

On a positive note, he is not as infectious as he was before - we still have to be careful, but as long as people are careful to wash hands and not let his face touch their open wounds, it'll be fine. He should also be fine by the time we go on our trip.... if he's still really irritable, then we will do 5 days of oral prednisone to ease the discomfort. I will see the doctor again 2 days before we leave. I pray and PRAY that this will work - it's too much work NOT to be effective. Poor hunny.

It is late.  I am tired.  It's actually 10:29... I am going to bed *now* - the earliest in probably weeks, sadly.  I appreciate every single one of your prayers.  I know this could be so much worse.  This is not life-or-death, though it is tiring.  If left unchecked, the staph infection *could* have become life or death.  I'm still thankful.  I love that little sweetie pie...

Scary moments

So...

...last night...

Spencer had been in bed for his third nap of the day.  This particular nap has been becoming shorter and shorter, and last night was no exception.  After about 45 minutes, he started to stir.  I was in the middle of folding laundry or something, so I just let him play contentedly in the dark for a few minutes.

At least I thought he was playing.  He sounded happy!

Suddenly, he started crying.

Not just an "I'm lonely, someone come and get me" cry... but an all-out "I'm HURT!" cry.

I went up, and the first thing I saw was blood on his sheet.  Just a little bit - a toonie-sized spot.  Probably from him scratching his own face because he's irritated.  No matter, he's only been upset for 30 seconds.  Not a big deal.


Then I picked him up.

And then I saw... the entire bottom half of his face was covered in blood... and the entire top half of his shirt... and an area on his sheet that he'd been laying on about the size of a football.  Soaked through the sheet and the mattress pad.


Seriously?


Poor kid.  Apparently his playing was not just innocent playing... he'd been a little busy, but finally dug deeply enough to draw a significant amount of blood.

My ten loads of laundry from yesterday had just become eleven.

My poor sweetie... he really can't stand himself!

Confessions

They say confession is good for the soul.

I am letting my daughter watch "Despicable Me" while I blog.
I haven't showered in, umm, well, far too long.  I'll spare you the details.
She is going to keep watching Despicable Me while I shower.

I am behind on laundry.
I have 5 baskets ready to fold, plus - one load in the dryer, one load in the washer, and 3 loads left to wash and dry today.
Gail often comes to help with Meaghan on Tuesdays so I can run errands or go to appointments with Spencer.
Gail likes to fold my kids' laundry.  (Normally I make my kids do it, but this being a long weekend and with Spencer sick, I didn't get their laundry processed on Monday like I normally do.)
Gail didn't come yesterday.
That's why I have laundry everywhere.

I found out yesterday at 9:15 that I had an appointment for Spencer at 9:45...yesterday.
(That's why Gail didn't come - I had to leave before she would've gotten here.)
The trip takes 29 minutes.
I had one minute to get my kids out of the house if I was going to make it in time.
I did not, in fact, make it in time; I was about 5 minutes late.
The doctor was half an hour late.  So it's all good.
However -
With one minute to get out of the house...
...remember that I hadn't showered in at least, well, yeah, I'll spare you the number of days...
...remember that I had many MANY baskets of laundry strewn all over the house...
...one of those clean loads was *not* my own clothes...
...and so I threw on clothes from the previous day....
...that had been spit up on and spilled on (but you couldn't see the stains)...
...I only had time to grab a granola bar on the way out the door for myself for breakfast...
...I only had time to rake my hair back with my fingers and put into a messy braid...
...I didn't brush my teeth (good thing I had a granola bar and gum in the car)...
...I did, however, remember deodorant...
...but I didn't wash my face or put on any makeup...
...the kids had jackets, but I didn't...
...I was frozen...
...I had neglected to bring a blanket for Spencer...
...good thing I've gotten really good at nursing in public, uncovered, without showing anything...
...and I'm glad I remembered spare diapers and wipes.  'Cuz Spencer *always* poops at the paediatrician's office.

I'm going to shower now.  Really.
And now Dustin has joined Meaghan in the Despicable Me theatre.

Miscellaneous

Sometimes a brilliant blog post title doesn't come.

I really want Spencer's face fixed.  The oozing has started again.  Most of the rash is gone, but there are these two residual patches - one on each cheek - that refuse to give in completely to the medication.  He seemed pretty good last night, but then all day today he's been rubbing and scratching and oozing and kinda grumpy with his face and head.  Poor hunny.  I really *really* don't want to know what the next step is... or wait, maybe I do want to know, but I don't want to have to go there.

Sometimes.... sometimes God puts someone else in your path, and you just *know* it's His doing.  I could never orchestrate something so profound.  I'm thankful tonight for a new friend.  Don't worry, I'm not replacing any of my old friends.  It's just... well, God is cool that way.

Dustin does handsprings.  Graeme has *shudder* been letting the boys watch certain scenes out of Spiderman... the 'safe' scenes (are there any, really?)... and so Dustin comes upstairs and says to me, "Mommy, do you want to know how Spiderman does his flips?"  I don't even get a chance to answer before he says, "Like THIS!" - and proceeds to do a perfect handspring.  WHAT??  He's, umm, 5.  I need to get this kid into some kind of serious gymnastics program before he kills himself.  He has no clue that he's not invincible.  He learned last week how to execute a front flip (no hands) on a trampoline and land on his feet.  I finally gave up telling him "NO, Dustin, NO front flips!" - well, he was doing them anyway, so I told him that he was no longer allowed to land them on his bum; he has to land on his feet (less whiplash to the neck that way).  So after about another 20 attempts, he got it.  And again. And again and again and again.  But he's not allowed to do them if I'm not watching.

Oh, and then Dustin decided - after he'd done his post Spiderman-viewing two-hand handspring - to try a single-hand handspring.  And he nailed it.  In my living room.

Oh, and then he decided that if he could do a front flip on a trampoline without the use of his hands, that he should be able to do a front flip, no hands, in my living room.

That didn't go so well.  He landed on his back, thankfully (what on EARTH? - he actually rotated and made it all the way around to his back???), but we told him "no way!"  No more.  Gah!!!!!  How this child has not landed in an emergency room yet is beyond my comprehension.

Meaghan is potty trained.  Did I mention that somewhere?  Right around 28 months.  I'd gotten about 80% of the way there before Spencer came along, but I couldn't continue after he was born.  So I gave us all some breathing room and resigned myself to diapering two children.  Well, 4 months after he was born, I thought I was ready to try again.  Got the toilet seat ready with the little insert downstairs... potty upstairs... and juice in sippy cups (so that she wouldn't spill - we normally use regular cups with water or milk - we're not juice junkies, but juice is such a novelty that I knew she'd fill her bladder quickly!)... she was great on day one, resisted on day two, and somehow woke up dry on day three, after a 12-hours nighttime sleep.  Had an OK day on day three, and woke up dry again on day four.  I still had her in diapers at night, but she ended up night training before day training; however, she was day-trained very quickly also - inside of a week - and so we gave all her diapers to Spencer and she's a big undie-girl now!  She's been "trained" for almost a month now.  I have rules - always go potty before a meal, and before and after nap time... and beyond that, I don't bother.  She always tells me when she needs to go.  She has had all of about 5 accidents in the last 3 weeks.  Not bad, little girl!  Not bad at all!!

Joshua is a machine on the piano.  I might video something and upload it to here one day.  'Cuz he's been playing for only a year, and he's just that good.  He's 7.  He is really owning it, too - he loves to go practice almost as much as he loves to read.  Such an awesome kid.  He also willingly takes Meaghan to the bathroom if she requests to go and I'm busy nursing Spencer or something.  He's even wiped her bum!!  How many 7-year-old boys wipe their 2-year-old sister's bum?

Some guy in line in front of me at the grocery store was rearranging my groceries for me the other night as I was taking them out of my cart.  It was odd.

I thought it would be a good idea to buy some pepper plants - chill peppers - in the spring to toss into my garden.  I figured I'd get maybe 5-6 peppers on each of the 6 plants.  Umm, so far I've given away about 60 peppers, and the other day I counted 138 left.

I smell like baby puke.  My head is spinning (it's nearly midnight).  My eyes are bloodshot, and my brain is ready to hit the hay.  This has become a very, very random post... and since I haven't actually dumped my camera card yet, well, you get a post full of words, but no pictures.

The Face

Slowly...

...we think the new cream is working.

Spencer is not out of the woods yet, and I can't yet kiss his little cheeks and smother them in love...

...but the oozing has stopped.  The flaking has calmed.  The rash is shrinking.

I am still holding my breath, though.  We've been *here* before, after the first round of antibiotics.

We are all hurting here.  The boys are having a tough time remembering how to speak to each other and mama respectfully.  I've had to go grocery shopping two nights in a row after the munchkins are in bed; the first night arriving home at 11:15 and last night arriving home at 10:30, after which Spencer woke up and stayed up for nearly two hours.

But, he finally slept last night.  For 7 hours.

Meaghan is having a tough time remembering that she really is the sweetest little girl ever.  She is having meltdowns over the silliest things; so unlike her.

And me?  I am just absolutely spent.

And it's just his face.

Jesus still holds Spencer's face in the palm of His hand...

Spencer update

Well.... it has been 17 days since I last posted.

I wish I could say Spencer was all clear.  But he's not.

He now has what they're calling a "resistant staph" infection.  He's been on three different types of antibiotic creams (two were similar to the first with an addition of a steroid cream to help with the inflammation), and today we added a new type of antibiotic cream that's different altogether.  He's been on two different oral antibiotics.

We've been cleaning it, washing it, taking care of it, creaming it, and it looks worse than it did when I last posted pictures.  It's cracking, oozing, flaking, and disgusting.

My heart is breaking for this little guy.

He has been so happy most of the time, and I am thankful for that.

But friends, I am so weary for him.  This has spread to other parts of his body, though not as badly as on his face.  His elbows, back of his head, hands, and lower legs have been affected, but not to the same extent.

If this new cream doesn't work, I'm not sure what the next step is.  All I know is that we know another family that had a staph infection run through their household a couple of years ago, and after a rough battle, two of the family members had to have some flesh surgically removed.

It's Spencer's FACE.

Obviously... I don't even need to say what I'm thinking with regards to the above...

But nothing has worked so far.  And I don't know how far this will go.

I've wept over Spencer's face and pleaded to the Father for him...
And it's in His hands.