10 Years

Remembering...
     our first little "bean"...
on Christmas Eve.

'Tis another one of Christmas' sad moments for me.
Pondering what could have been,
     but still thankful for what is.

Two years

Two years ago today, a dream was taken from a momma & daddy.

Dreams turned into nightmares,
Joy into sorrow,
Anticipation into emptiness.

I can't wait to meet you in Heaven, Brennan.  You are always loved, and never forgotten.  Happy birthday, little man; we wish you were here on earth to celebrate with your Mommy & Daddy and little brother.

That day can't come too soon for Brian & Jen...

Thinking, pondering, praying today...

loss

Bloggy mommas...

Please pray for a friend of mine, K... she miscarried this week in her 9th week.  She just got married in June at 36 years old... she has a strong family history of early menopause etc and desperately wants children, just about more than anything in this entire world.

To say she is heartbroken is an understatement.

Please pray....  I know you know how.  *thanks*

Walk to Remember 2009

I have been avoiding posting on this one. I have had a hard time formulating my thoughts surrounding this event.

I've read Paige's posts, here and here...

...and Jen's post...

...and Steph's post...

...and I just don't feel like I can come up with anything as deep or touching.

Perhaps I'm still trying to process what happened that day. But here goes.

It was a cold day... very cold. Jen wore flip-flops; not sure what she was thinking!! We saw her in the parking lot as we drove up. I got to see her baby Kellan again, and she got to meet Meaghan for the first time.

Then we registered, and walked around to find Paige. It was nothing short of powerful and caught me completely off-guard - I wasn't expecting the emotion to just spill out that suddenly. We shared an embrace that only mamas who've lost a baby can understand, and she said, "OK, you're breastfeeding, and I'm pregnant, and... (I can't remember exactly, but it was something like:) we're both a hormonal mess!" 'Tis true. :) Thanks for that, Paige.

We hung around for a while, the husbands talked, the girls chatted, the kids ran amuck... Joshua stuck right close to us, though. He had a sad moment that lasted about an hour because we'd told him that the balloons we were getting, we couldn't keep. We had to let them go. He didn't want to let them go. (Neither did we, sweet boy... neither did we. How did he know?)

Eventually the walk started. We walked through the Legislature grounds, hundreds of people carrying their balloons. Pink, blue, and white memorials tied to the wrists of mamas and the handles of strollers. Eventually we got to the sidewalk where all the names of the babies were written.... it was amazing how many there were.

Last year, there were 350 people in attendance (they were expecting 75-ish). This year, there were over 700. Really speaks to a need, don't you think? There's a hunger from families who just want their losses acknowledged, griefs shared, if only for a day. To be with others who understand.

Most of our walk was spent trying to reign in our kids. It was cold, and they were miserable. It was also smack in the middle of their naptime. I was hugely distracted by them, unfortunately, so I don't feel like I got as much out of the walk as I wanted.

When the walk was over our little huddle of 4 families (Jen, Paige, Steph, and me, with husbands and children) stood apart from the group at the back of the huge field where the bandstand was. Not sure why we separated... it just happened that way. It was like our own holy huddle.

There was a speaker; can't remember her name - our kids were also starting to have issues. Thankfully they kept it together and didn't completely fry on us. I didn't hear much from the speaker - she was very artistic in her speech, that I remember. I still need to go back and read her story.

Then, the emcee started reading the names, one by one...

...and balloons were released as the babies' names they represented were read.

Yeah, I choked up a bit.

I wanted to let my own balloons go. I think I felt a little gipped because I wasn't the one to let them go. But we wanted the boys to feel like they were a part of it, and by this point they were ready to let the balloons fly, so Graeme took care of that while I snapped pictures.

Our little family, courtesy of Cairo:

Our own balloons:

Even though I'd made a big heavy poncho for Meaghan and me just a day or two before, it was likely going to be too heavy for this day. So I cut one out of a big piece of fleece for us on the morning of the Walk. We were the toastiest people there, I'm sure!

Me and my fab 5:

The start of the crowd, walking:

Meaghan had fallen asleep!

This was written on the sidewalk in two different places:

It was neat to see their little names written on the sidewalk.

Meaghan getting some post-walk snuggles from Paige:

This dude was wearing SHORTS!! Didn't he know it was COLD outside? It's like one of those exercises in elementary school: "Which of these items does NOT belong in this group?"

Cairo couldn't wait to get her hands on Meaghan.

They had some bonding moments!

Graeme and the boys waiting for our babies' names to be read:

First to go up was Chavonne's balloon:

...and then Jaron's... (Paige has a fantastic picture of a whole bunch of balloons in the sky on her post)...

The family at the end of a very long day! So thankful for my beauties...

National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss

Today is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss in Canada and the United States.

(You'll have to 'pause' the playlist while watching the video.)

Remembering:

My two little ones, Jaron & Chavonne...

Paige's Caleb & Hope

Jen's Brennan

Steph's Charis

Karen's Janelle, Kelcey, and Jessica

Maria's Jeremy

...and all the unnamed babies of other friends who have lost -

Jess K., Lisa R., Jess D., Andrea M., Tawna M.,

along with others who have never shared their grief.

May God empower us with peace and joy in our remembrances and memories;

may He grant us the insight of His sovereign hand on our lives

even though it doesn't make sense...

God IS good.

Walking

Tomorrow is Edmonton's Walk to Remember - honoring little lives lost.

Graeme was able to get someone else to cover his Saturday, so he is coming with me. I wanted to go last year, but couldn't. So this year, we are going together.

It's been important to me to have names for our wee ones lost. Instead of just calling them "Our first baby" and "our second baby"... to give them names.

And I wanted to have them for this weekend.

We wanted to choose names that were somewhat unique, but had a meaning that coincided with how we felt God's presence at the time of our babies' passings.

Introducing:

Jaron (pronounced like Erin, 'cept with a J in front):

December 24, 2000

"He will sing, He will cry out"; joyful. Not that we were joyful in Jaron's passing, but that GOD gave us joy despite our loss. Joy after the rain.

Scripture: Job 8:21 - He will yet fill your mouth with laughing, and your lips with rejoicing.

and

Chavonne

March 21, 2001

"God is gracious"; cherished. Not only is our baby cherished, but God let us know that WE are His beloved, too. Resting in his grace...

Scripture: Psalm 103:8 - The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy.

The version I'd originally memorized is this: The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

I am looking forward to finding their little names on the sidewalk tomorrow.