You are Good - Point of Grace

I've added this to my playlist - scroll to the bottom of the page to the playlist, and scroll through the list to find the song.

Last night when I was at the gym, I decided to pop Point of Grace on as my artist of choice. Not exactly workout music, but there's a reason I was to put it on...it was all I could do not to completely lose it while doing shoulder presses!! :)

You Are Good - Point of Grace

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are good, so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight
You are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, so good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are so good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved
And you are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul
You are still good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are still good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell you I'm grateful again
And the storm may swell even then it is well
You are good

So how can I thank You
And what can I bring
What can a poor man lay at the feet of a king
So I'll sing you a love song
It's all that I have
To tell You I'm grateful
For holding my life in Your hands

Honesty

OK...

I'm stressed.

I don't often admit that... or even *think* that I am. Busy? Yes... but that doesn't usually equal stress for me.

But I am.

And I can't even really share why right now... but it's affecting a LOT of areas of my life right now. The last 3 weeks have made my head want to explode.

I'm not sleeping... I am getting headaches again... I am easily frustrated and angered... I am yelling at my kids (probably the most bothersome for me)... I don't feel like exercising because I'm so tired and headachey... I'm not eating properly because I'm tired and headachey... I don't want to be around people... I can't keep track of our schedules... everything is always a crisis... meals aren't getting made with any amount of self-respect... and it's very *cold* in this house right now.

I would really like to check out for a few days, and come back when everything is normal again.

It's getting too heavy and I'm not coping well. I'm hurting, and this home is hurting. I'm having to hold it all together, alone, and it's too much. I'm weary. My soul is weary.

There you have it. The mask is off.

Pray if you feel led...

Sugarbugs

Dustin, as we're heading out the door on our way to the dentist:

"Mommy, the dentist is going to get all my sugar-boogers off!"

Fun & sweetness

No, Paige, it's not just you.

I find myself engrossed in Meaghan's every smile, flapping arms in excitement,

waving like crazy when she's feeding,

rolling over,

pulling the boys' truck off the shelf or playing with their knight's sword,

looking for one of her beloved brothers,

and reaching for Daddy's food...

loving her curiosity and intensity... her hungry grunts and her satisfied ones, too.

This will never get old. Ever.

Frustrated!!

Ergh... ERG!

So I had to drive out to an AGM tonight... I wasn't sure if I was going to go tonight or not, but Meaghan was doing fine and had had the perfect nap schedule today. So I decided to hop in the car and venture out... first mistake.

The meeting was out in a town it had never been in before.... second mistake.

The actual address of the church was not on the invitation... third mistake. The directions given were also from the viewpoint of someone driving in from a different direction than I was.

Google's search of said church's address was incorrect... fourth mistake (seems like it was an old church building, but the congregation had obviously moved and built themselves a new church building).

Google Maps led me astray tonight... fifth mistake. I ended up on some obscure narrow twisty range roads in the middle of nowhere with dusk falling. I never, I repeat, NEVER get lost like that. I am exceptional at navigating and following directions, and no one has ever gotten lost from directions I have given them. I was beyond frustrated... well into tears.

So I finally got to the town... and then couldn't find the church... by this point I was well over an hour and a half late (I'd intended to only be about 45-60 minutes late, just enough time for the potluck dinner to be over and the meeting to get started)... if I wasn't such a mess, I probably would've still persevered, stopped at a gas station and asked for directions, but I was upset and blotchy... I wasted 2 hours of driving time and gas to attend a meeting that couldn't be bothered to be advertised properly.

So yeah, I was frustrated.

I've been in a lot of pain the last few days, not exercising, and not eating properly - those surely all contributed to my emotional state. But seriously... GRR!! I'm sure God has a reason for me not going tonight, but I'm still not sure what it is.

Vent over.

Ouch.

So I was getting off my office chair to kneel down on the floor to play with Meaghan...

...and my knee popped. Just popped. At the bottom of my kneecap. I didn't even twist it.

It's my good knee, too - my left knee has a torn meniscus requiring surgery, but my right knee has been just fine, until now.

Now instead of working out in my basement, I'm stuck sitting here with an ice pack strapped to my knee. Instead of cleaning the house (I made cinnamon twists today and there is a grand mess in my kitchen) I will be sitting and watching TV. It hurts to walk, do stairs... "hurts" might be a bit of an understatement. Excruciating might be more like it.

This could really throw a kink in my exercise plans and my Biggest Loser plans. It's horribly disappointing and frustrating. Hopefully it's just a short wonky thing, but my instincts tell me that this is going to be a long-haul injury. Erg.

If anyone has the gift of healing, now would be the time to exercise it (ha ha - very punny!)...

Walk to Remember 2009

I have been avoiding posting on this one. I have had a hard time formulating my thoughts surrounding this event.

I've read Paige's posts, here and here...

...and Jen's post...

...and Steph's post...

...and I just don't feel like I can come up with anything as deep or touching.

Perhaps I'm still trying to process what happened that day. But here goes.

It was a cold day... very cold. Jen wore flip-flops; not sure what she was thinking!! We saw her in the parking lot as we drove up. I got to see her baby Kellan again, and she got to meet Meaghan for the first time.

Then we registered, and walked around to find Paige. It was nothing short of powerful and caught me completely off-guard - I wasn't expecting the emotion to just spill out that suddenly. We shared an embrace that only mamas who've lost a baby can understand, and she said, "OK, you're breastfeeding, and I'm pregnant, and... (I can't remember exactly, but it was something like:) we're both a hormonal mess!" 'Tis true. :) Thanks for that, Paige.

We hung around for a while, the husbands talked, the girls chatted, the kids ran amuck... Joshua stuck right close to us, though. He had a sad moment that lasted about an hour because we'd told him that the balloons we were getting, we couldn't keep. We had to let them go. He didn't want to let them go. (Neither did we, sweet boy... neither did we. How did he know?)

Eventually the walk started. We walked through the Legislature grounds, hundreds of people carrying their balloons. Pink, blue, and white memorials tied to the wrists of mamas and the handles of strollers. Eventually we got to the sidewalk where all the names of the babies were written.... it was amazing how many there were.

Last year, there were 350 people in attendance (they were expecting 75-ish). This year, there were over 700. Really speaks to a need, don't you think? There's a hunger from families who just want their losses acknowledged, griefs shared, if only for a day. To be with others who understand.

Most of our walk was spent trying to reign in our kids. It was cold, and they were miserable. It was also smack in the middle of their naptime. I was hugely distracted by them, unfortunately, so I don't feel like I got as much out of the walk as I wanted.

When the walk was over our little huddle of 4 families (Jen, Paige, Steph, and me, with husbands and children) stood apart from the group at the back of the huge field where the bandstand was. Not sure why we separated... it just happened that way. It was like our own holy huddle.

There was a speaker; can't remember her name - our kids were also starting to have issues. Thankfully they kept it together and didn't completely fry on us. I didn't hear much from the speaker - she was very artistic in her speech, that I remember. I still need to go back and read her story.

Then, the emcee started reading the names, one by one...

...and balloons were released as the babies' names they represented were read.

Yeah, I choked up a bit.

I wanted to let my own balloons go. I think I felt a little gipped because I wasn't the one to let them go. But we wanted the boys to feel like they were a part of it, and by this point they were ready to let the balloons fly, so Graeme took care of that while I snapped pictures.

Our little family, courtesy of Cairo:

Our own balloons:

Even though I'd made a big heavy poncho for Meaghan and me just a day or two before, it was likely going to be too heavy for this day. So I cut one out of a big piece of fleece for us on the morning of the Walk. We were the toastiest people there, I'm sure!

Me and my fab 5:

The start of the crowd, walking:

Meaghan had fallen asleep!

This was written on the sidewalk in two different places:

It was neat to see their little names written on the sidewalk.

Meaghan getting some post-walk snuggles from Paige:

This dude was wearing SHORTS!! Didn't he know it was COLD outside? It's like one of those exercises in elementary school: "Which of these items does NOT belong in this group?"

Cairo couldn't wait to get her hands on Meaghan.

They had some bonding moments!

Graeme and the boys waiting for our babies' names to be read:

First to go up was Chavonne's balloon:

...and then Jaron's... (Paige has a fantastic picture of a whole bunch of balloons in the sky on her post)...

The family at the end of a very long day! So thankful for my beauties...

National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss

Today is the National Day of Miscarriage and Infant Loss in Canada and the United States.

(You'll have to 'pause' the playlist while watching the video.)

Remembering:

My two little ones, Jaron & Chavonne...

Paige's Caleb & Hope

Jen's Brennan

Steph's Charis

Karen's Janelle, Kelcey, and Jessica

Maria's Jeremy

...and all the unnamed babies of other friends who have lost -

Jess K., Lisa R., Jess D., Andrea M., Tawna M.,

along with others who have never shared their grief.

May God empower us with peace and joy in our remembrances and memories;

may He grant us the insight of His sovereign hand on our lives

even though it doesn't make sense...

God IS good.

Oh the joys of raising boys....

This might be WAY too much information for anyone... and if you're a guy, STOP READING RIGHT NOW!!

OK.

So, the day after Meaghan turned 5 months old, I got my period back. This is the second longest, - after Joshua was between 5 and 6 months, and after Dustin was 3 1/2-ish months.

I am jealous of those women (ahem, Jen!) who go for months and months and MONTHS and eons without having to deal with that wonderful aspect of womanhood after having a baby.

Anyway.

So today, day 2 of this mess, I'm in the bathroom, and had just gotten off the toilet (pants not even up yet) when Dustin barges in, needing to use the potty. (Need I explain that this particular bathroom is in direct line of sight of the window? The one with the blinds up? And it's 'dark outside, light inside?) He doesn't barge in very often at all, so we haven't really had a need to lock bathroom doors around here. (That's about to change, I can assure you.)

And he beelines it for the toilet before I could flush.

"Mommy, why is there blood in there? Is that poo-poo? Is your poo-poo red? Why is it red? What is that?"

Oh....dear....

So I proceeded to explain menstruation to my 3-year-old.

Kidding.

I did what every self-respecting mother would say, "Go ask your father."

Kidding.

No, in all seriousness, I told him that it "just is red" and "don't worry about it." He kept pestering until Graeme said, "Dustin, some things you don't need to know until you're older."

End of conversation. Birds & bees evaded...for now!

*blush*

*happy dance*

While everyone else is on week 3 of the Biggest Loser Challenge, I am only 12 days in.

When I stepped on the scale for this morning's weigh-in, I was beyond pleased. I got off, and on, and off, and on, and off, and on just one more time, to make sure I knew that what I was reading was correct.

I lost 5 lbs this week. :) I couldn't believe my eyes. But I sure am happy about it!

My workouts since last Tuesday's post:

• Wednesday 7th - row 10K in 46:23 (a personal best!)
• Thursday 8th - weights - 40 min; 2 sets of 15 at 15 stations (added one extra muscle group), and increased some weight on a couple of stations, plus cardio 45 minutes.
• Friday 9th - OFF! I figured that 5 days in a row was enough.
• Saturday 10th - OFF, but not by choice. Sick girlie, run-down me.
• Sunday 11th - was my planned day off, but I worked out since I'd just had two days off. Morning - rowed as much as I could in 30 min = 6446m. Evening (post-turkey!) - swam 500m, weights: 2 sets of 15 at 13 stations (ran out of time!), and cardio 30 min.
• Monday 12th - cardio on bike 30 min, cardio on elliptical 40 min, and core (ahem), 5 minutes. I basically did the stations I couldn't get in the previous day.

I hope that this *sticks*!! I have never worked so hard in my life to lose weight... and I am loving working out. I love that I can make myself healthier for my husband and my children. I love that I feel so good afterwards. I love that I feel better for eating better. I love that I'll *have* to buy new clothes after all is said and done! :)

Off to try my hand at English Muffins again today!! :)

Thanksgiving memory

There was one year, when I was in Bible College, that I remember as my best Thanksgiving ever.

I had become friends with this one particular family whose daughters and son I'd ministered with at camp. It had been a rough autumn for me; parents split up, I had recently received a nasty horrible letter from my dad, etc. The Olsons invited me to join their family for Thanksgiving.

Now, the Olsons weren't just a small family (mom, dad, 3 grown children). They had a HUGE extended family that lived in Three Hills. There must've been 30 or 40 of us heading out to Dry Island Buffalo Jump near Red Deer(ish). I could be wrong and it might've been less people, but it felt like one massive happy family.

It was a potluck.

It was a gorgeous setting. The weather was around 15 degrees, and the fall leaves were brilliant with color.

We hiked, we played baseball, we sang songs together (what an incredibly musically gifted family!), and we fellowshipped.

It was sweet.

Time has passed, and I still remember that day with fondness. I will never forget the gift that God gave me in the Olson family.

Random...

*sigh*

• It's late.
• We had company for dinner. Really fun company.
• Meaghan's cheekies are super-rosy, especially when she's tired!
• Life is about to get crazier than it already is. I'm looking forward to it.
• I love my workouts.
• I made two different batches of bread today, and a big apple crisp - all for our company. Hence the need for tonight's workout. :) I actually behaved myself quite well at dinnertime!
• I can't seem to wrap my head around blogging for the Walk to Remember. Sorry, girls! I think it has to do with head-space and privacy, and a solid chunk of time...
• A close friend is moving away later this month or early next month... :( She is coming over for lunch tomorrow with her two grown children.
• I long for depth and substance...

...but in this moment, I long for sleep. Good night!

I shouldn't feel this good...

...for only having 3 hours of sleep last night, but I do. There were about 5 things working against me... a late night swim (longer swim than I'm used to), wind, the trains, the traffic, Dustin being up in the night for about an hour, and Graeme's tossing and turning. I guess that's 6. I finally fell asleep around 4:00 a.m., in time to wake up and make lunch for J to get out the door for kindergarten.

Anyway...

Here's the reason I feel good.

I'm exercising consistently again. And they're INTENSE workouts. I really should log these things again - it's good accountability.

Anyway...

Workouts:

• Tues. Sept 29 - weights 40 min.; 2 sets of 12 reps at each of 12 stations.
• Wed. Sept 30 - swimming 40 min. (I got this wrong on the 'other' blog I'm on; I mistakenly put 'weights' as the 30th's workout.)
• Fri. Oct 2nd - weights 40 min; 2 sets of 12 at 12 stations, and swimming 20 min (which I forgot to post on Losing it Together, too.)
• Sun. Oct 4th - weights 50 min; 2 sets of 15 at 14 stations - and 30 min sweaty elliptical.
• Mon. Oct 5th - swim 1250 m (I started getting leg cramps around 1100m; I should've stopped then wouldn't likely have had the restless legs while trying to sleep!)
• Tues Oct 6th - weights 40 min; 2 sets of 15 at 14 stations (Exact duplicate of Sundays' workout; I was more efficient than the other night; not faster doing my reps, but just moved from station to station more quickly.), and 30 min cardio.

So, I feel good. This 'Biggest Loser' challenge is kicking my butt so far - I've been eating relatively well - no cookies or chips, smaller portions, etc - but I only lost a pound last week. :( Regardless, I'm happy to be hitting the gym again. Maybe this coming week will provide better results!! Weigh-ins are on Tuesdays. The challenge will span Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's... ending on January 5th. Yikes!!

G'night - gotta shower!

Pet Peeves

I have two really big pet peeves.

The first is being late for church.

The other is completely forgetting appointments. Like, completely.

It doesn't matter that they're written down on my calendar. It doesn't matter that I look at my calendar half a dozen times a day.

It doesn't matter that they give me a reminder call the day before, asking if I was still planning on coming.

Nope. Doesn't matter.

I still forget.

It used to be chiropractic appointments. I missed about 4 of them in a row when I was pregnant with Meaghan. I've learned to call only a couple days ahead of time if I need to get in.

Today, it was the boys' dental appointments.

I had issues with the boys this morning - fighting over toys, being nasty when I'm trying to feed & nap Meaghan, being disobedient, and I'd just sent them to their rooms. And I tried to feed & nap Meaghan yet again.

And the phone rang. I let the machine grab it.

"Hi, it's Sherwood Centre Dental calling; you had an appointment for Joshua at 9:50 and for Dustin at 10:10, and we hope you're on your way." It was 10:07. "If you've forgotten, please call us to reschedule." The only times they had were during naptime today and Friday.... and since I couldn't take those, I get to wait for a whole 'nother month.

It will be a wonder if we all survive my mothering. Because this is just plain pathetic.

My Wee Dollie...

The other day when I was looking through the baby name book, I came across this entry:

Dolly, Dollee, Dolli, Dollie

Inherent Meaning: Compassionate

Spiritual Connotation: Christlike

Scripture: Psalm 116:5 - Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yes, our God is compassionate.

I cross-referenced it to my 'secular' baby name book, and that book told me that Dollie (Dolly) is derived from the name Dorothy, which means (are you ready?): "Gift of God." Couldn't be more accurate!

Baby Dollie, this has now become more than just a silly sweet nickname. God has a plan for you - my prayer is that you will embrace Him, sweet child!!

Walking

Tomorrow is Edmonton's Walk to Remember - honoring little lives lost.

Graeme was able to get someone else to cover his Saturday, so he is coming with me. I wanted to go last year, but couldn't. So this year, we are going together.

It's been important to me to have names for our wee ones lost. Instead of just calling them "Our first baby" and "our second baby"... to give them names.

And I wanted to have them for this weekend.

We wanted to choose names that were somewhat unique, but had a meaning that coincided with how we felt God's presence at the time of our babies' passings.

Introducing:

Jaron (pronounced like Erin, 'cept with a J in front):

December 24, 2000

"He will sing, He will cry out"; joyful. Not that we were joyful in Jaron's passing, but that GOD gave us joy despite our loss. Joy after the rain.

Scripture: Job 8:21 - He will yet fill your mouth with laughing, and your lips with rejoicing.

and

Chavonne

March 21, 2001

"God is gracious"; cherished. Not only is our baby cherished, but God let us know that WE are His beloved, too. Resting in his grace...

Scripture: Psalm 103:8 - The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in mercy.

The version I'd originally memorized is this: The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

I am looking forward to finding their little names on the sidewalk tomorrow.