Snippets of the last 24 hours

We were at a 60th anniversary dinner for Graeme's grandparents yesterday, and I dressed Meaghan up again. Who can resist this little sweetheart? She is surely capturing the hearts of everyone around her. I can't blame them; I'm caught happily in her grip!

Meaghan is beginning to encounter her first bout with the sniffles. She has been congested and gooby today, poor girl. Joshua asked a very good question today, "How do babies blow their noses?" Umm, they don't. They sneeze, or the stuff just runs out and makes a mess. Fun fun! :) I'm thankful for nursing at this stage of the game for the relief it gives Meaghan.

Joshua asked for a marker today. I wasn't thinking; I gave him a permanent one. He wanted to draw on the bike ramp that Daddy made for him the other day. I thought nothing of it, until Dustin came in with drawing all over his arms. Joshua took to being an artist and using his brother as a canvas. My own dumb fault; even though I told him not to write on anything but the ramp, I didn't realize he still thought it was like every other marker he's ever used - WASHABLE! Whoops.

At the dinner yesterday, we had a buffet. Kind of a ritzy buffet, too. I love looking through the eyes of little children. The awe on his face as he eyed the white-coated tall-hatted man carving the roast beef; he turned to Graeme and said, "Look, Daddy! It's a real CHEF!!" Everyone around us giggled, and the chef was amused. He must've looked gigantic with that big hat on!

Dustin was searching for a word today when he was sitting beside me and I started with the hiccups. "Mommy, you're hic... Mommy, you're hic..." He couldn't find the word. I knew what he wanted to say, but I was wondering what he'd come up with. Eventually, he blurted out, "Mommy, you're hicking up!"

Me and my little hunnies - post 60th anniversary dinner:

Here is one final picture, this one of the cousins (sans Meaghan) - Dustin, Aidan, Charis, and Joshua. Aidan & Charis belong to Graeme's middle brother and his wife - check out Aidan's curls!

All dolled up

Who? Not me! My Meaghan, of course!

We were at a wedding today, so I guess I was a bit dolled up, too, but Meaghan was the only one who was picture-worthy! She was so good the whole day; nursed a couple of times, spent a good amount of time in her sling, all curled up and sleeping, and let our friends Graeme (yup!) and Carissa hold her. They sure do like her! They have no kids of their own, but I'm sure Meaghan is putting a little twinkle in their eyes... :)

We took these pictures when we got home; I was impressed she didn't mess her dress up through the day! Her brothers adore her - they are so proud of their little sister - and didn't want to let us go this morning.

So back to our friends Graeme & Carissa... we discovered the other weekend that it wasn't 'enough' that Graeme W. and my Graeme have the same name-spelling, odd though that may be... I asked Graeme W's wife how old they were (he is youth pastor at our church and has just come on in the last 6 months, so we're getting to know them a bit more). She said that he would be 27 in August.

When in August?

The 15th, of course - same as MY Graeme's birthday (just a few years later)!!

AND, they're moving to the same subdivision as us, too!

It was meant to be...

We really like this young couple. Very neat, vibrant, witty, and Godly people.

We love our new church.

My Meggie-bear

Such a sweet dollie - and I finally captured a smile on camera!! :) When she gives an all-out smile, the entire room lights up. I was at my post-partum appointment/checkup the other day, and Don & Shari (friends of ours) came for their appointment too - a nice surprise! Uncle Don was holding Meaghan, and the smiles he got out of her were pretty phenomenal.

This little girl has captured the hearts of her Mommy and her brothers and her Daddy. She is surely a most incredible blessing... it was like God knew I needed her. For such a time as this...

Happy 5th birthday, big guy!

The day Joshua was born was one of the happiest days of my life (June 20, 2004, Father's Day):

And then he turned one - best gift ever!:

Two - with Gramma & Grampa:

Three (pictured here with Grampa):

Four years old - pirate party, pizza-face, pictured with Daddy:

And six days ago - me and my big five-year-old boy!!

Meaghan's Birth Story

Having not ever written a birth story before, I have no idea if I'm going to 'get it right'... if I'm going to remember everything... I'll probably remember certain moments after I'm done posting this. But here it goes anyway!

Meaghan was a full 14 days overdue. I'd had several days of on again/off again contractions, but nothing that lasted more than a couple of hours, and not even that painful. They were, however, consistent, so I knew that "someday soon" I would go into real labour. Part of the urgency came with being threatened with an induction on Monday, May 11th.

On Saturday evening, May 9th, I started having contractions 10 minutes apart for more than couple of hours. These ones were different. They hurt in a different place. It felt more like what I remembered the 'real thing' feeling like when I went into labour with J&D. But after a while, they stopped. I went to bed.

We were wakened on Sunday morning, Mother's Day, with a phone call. Bright and early at 4:40 a.m., the pharmacy's alarm company called to tell us that there was a power failure and that we should check it out. So, out the door went Graeme, and my contractions started again (for all I know, I'd been contracting all night and was just too tired to notice).

Graeme got home around 6:30 a.m., just in time for the boys to wake up and demand their usual things - breakfast with Daddy, wrestling, etc, etc, etc. The boys made me breakfast in bed - a bowl of cereal, a glass of water, and a piece of fruit, all on their own special Ikea dishes. It was pretty sweet!

I spent most of the day in 10-minute contractions. They didn't get any closer together, but did get more painful as the day progressed. They felt way too painful to be 'normal' early labour, especially considering how far apart they were. The contrast of pain intensity vs distance apart was confusing.

We were scheduled for Mother's Day dinner with Graeme's parents & brothers & their wives and all the kids at McDonald's (playplace - woohoo!) in the late afternoon. We had strongly considered cancelling our presence there simply because of the prelabour that had been going on all...day....long. But we decided to go, and I would just strategically not talk (or whatever) during the contractions. By this point they were painful enough to warrant not talking and just zoning out, but they were still so far apart!!

We wanted ice cream for dessert. McDonald's was out of ice cream. Can you believe it?

So we headed over to Dairy Queen. Dilly Bars and Buster Bars. It doesn't really get much better than that. :)

We disbanded at 7:00 p.m. Pretty much the instant we all went our separate ways (kids gone to Grandparents' place for a sleepover since I was going to be induced early the next morning), the contractions kicked it up a few notches. I literally went from 10 minutes apart to 3 minutes apart. Just like that. I felt relieved - it looked like we would officially avoid the induction after all!

We had decided to hire a doula for the 'occasion'. With my history of long labors, and with the new necessity of avoiding narcotics and epidurals, we thought that having a doula there would be a worthy investment. So at 7:30 we called Maria, filled her in on how things had been going for the last 24 hours, and she had us go for a nice walk (which we were already doing anyway). It was a nice night, so why not? I had to stop and hold onto Graeme during the contractions, but it was a nice quiet trail. No biggie.

We walked for a while, then went home, as we thought the contractions were getting too painful to want to be that far away from home by this point.

We went home, called Maria again, and went out for another slow and excruciating walk. For a woman who can knock off 2 miles in less than half an hour, it took us almost an hour to do just over a mile. We cut our walk short and got me home (it was about 10:00 by now), and called Maria again to give an update and get instruction. She would have joined us at any point, but we still felt OK. I tried a bath, which was delightfully soothing when I was in labour with Dustin, but was horrifically uncomfortable and painful with Meaghan. I lasted all of about 15 minutes in the tub (what a disappointment!), then opted for the shower instead. I think I was in there for about an hour...maybe longer.

Around 11:30 we called Maria again. Graeme talked to her for a while, contractions were 2-3 minutes apart at this point, but Maria was concerned with a few things - the fact that the tub was completely ineffective to relieving pain, that certain positions for labouring were not easing the pain at all - and she suspected one of two things. Either I was getting close, 6-7 cm, and we should go to the hospital, or Meaghan was malpositioned (hinted at by the starting & stopping of contractions over the last 36 hours or so) and I was still in what the doctors would call 'pre-labour', despite the intense pain I was already in.

After about 20 minutes, Graeme and Maria decided that we would just meet at the hospital rather than having her meet us at home. We opted for this course of action because the pain, intensity, and frequency of the contractions was much greater than the point at which I'd opted for the epidurals with the boys. I figured I MUST be farther along, if I'm in more pain. Right?

We left home shortly after midnight and I finally got admitted to L&D at 1:00 a.m. I knew my own ob/gyn was not going to be on call, but when we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I laughed as I recognized my FORMER ob/gyn's car in the doctor's stalls. At least I knew he was good. And that it was going to be either him delivering my baby, or that the labour would go on long enough that my own ob/gyn would be on call next (right after Dr. C.) and would do the delivery. I knew I was in good hands either way.

We got upstairs, and the charge nurse wouldn't give me the time of day. She was not a nice lady. She was rude to my husband, and even more rude to Maria. She wouldn't even let Maria into the room with me!! Graeme thought they had a hospital policy on this, so didn't push it; he thought that they wouldn't let doulas in until they'd done "the check" on the patient. We found out afterwards that of course they should've let Maria in. There IS no policy! So we were quite put off by the charge nurse.

So, they checked me, having watched me through a couple of contractions, and found me to be a whopping 2 cm.

I cried. I was so disappointed, and was officially worried that something was going to go wrong. After ALL that work and ALL that pain, I had not progressed at ALL since my last doctor's appointment almost a week before? Are you kidding me? I was devastated. They actually wanted to send me home. I couldn't even move for the searing pain through my body, and they wanted to send me home. We said we weren't going home.

Maria suggested we go for a walk and try some different stances, stand with one foot on a chair to open the pelvis and get Baby to move down, etc. We walked, rocked, and did a few such silly-feeling things in efforts to move things along.

Fast-forward to 3 a.m. Finally got checked again. Woohoo - 3 cm. Finally. "Okay, you're in labour now," says the charge nurse, as I was about to smack her (because obviously everything I'd been through in the previous 8 hours was not hard at all - nope), "What do you want for pain?"

"Nothing," I retorted. "There's a reason I brought Maria." She stormed out of the room, and Maria told us that she's come across this charge nurse before, and she's always pulling power trips and looking down on women who choose to go through birth naturally.

The new few hours were a blur. We met with Maria a few weeks after Meaghan was born, and she filled in some of the blanks for me. :)

So, I was 3 cm at 3:00 a.m. By this time, I had the head of the bed raised, and I was kind of draped over the raised part. Kind of hard to explain. My back was to the room, my arms were over top of the raised part, and my knees on the flat part. Stomach against the raised part, too. I remember the contractions intensifying - had to do a lot of breathing and moaning, and eventually I started rhythmically smacking the underside of the bed (that was raised) as a bit of an outlet. Graeme rubbed my upper back and held my hand, while Maria rubbed my lower back and spoke to me in low tones.

I found I had to pee a lot, so every half hour or so I was in the bathroom - alone. I wanted to maintain some sort of dignity, so I took my privacy to pee! It was not pleasant, nope, not one bit. I also found myself quite nauseous - a new experience for me in labour. I expected, like my boys, to be hungry and want to eat. Even the thought of water, though, made my stomach turn. I had a few sips here and there, but nothing more. Thankfully I didn't throw up, though, but Maria was ready!

Finally around 4:00 or 4:30, we opted to hop in the shower. Maria went down to her car and brought up the stability ball. She turned on the shower, laid a towel over the ball (for friction!), and I draped a towel over my chest for some dignity. It stayed in place with the warm water coming down on me.

It got hot in there. Small hospital bathroom, warm water, cold draft from outside - Graeme was shivering. And exhausted. We'd been up for over 24 hours by this time. Maria helped me through a few more contractions while Graeme took a break. I wasn't 'comfortable' sitting in the shower, but I also knew that being back on the bed wasn't going to be any easier. So I stayed. The contractions came VERY fast and VERY hard, sometimes with only 20 seconds in between them. My stomach felt like someone had filled it with concrete. The shower floor also kept filling up - with each contraction I would roll the ball forward a bit and lean into the wall, which covered the drain. Maria and Graeme would be telling me every few minutes to move the ball. Whoops! I can see the headline already, "Mother floods hospital while laboring in the shower."

Suddenly, around 5:00, the contractions got to be more intense than anything else I'd ever experienced in my entire life. I made noises I didn't think I could make. I tried to maintain some sort of routine with moaning, but my moans turned into some sort of indescribable higher-pitched sound... not a scream, thankfully!.. and they rose and fell with the wave of the contraction. Things felt 'different' down there. Pressure, and tons of it, but not the kind I would've expected. It was very sharp.

I remember, at one point, thinking, "OK, God, I trusted you with this...deliver me in my time of need!"... and then I started praying with each contraction. Instead of moaning and such, I started praying - not much more "Oh God!", and "Oh, Jesus, help!"... and also talking to the Baby. This took my focus off of the sharpness down below and onto my Savior and the gift He was about to bring me.

The nurse came in for the 4th or 5th time to measure baby's heart rate. I was just starting a contraction, so Maria asked her to wait a moment... and then about 5 seconds later my water FINALLY broke. Fluid was clear, I was glad that the nurse was there to see it. This was at around 5:45 a.m.

It was the absolute best feeling of the entire labour to this point. The sharp pain was suddenly gone. I felt incredible physical relief. The contractions changed, too - I had several minutes to relax and re-energize. I felt good. The nurse checked me while I was still on the ball, and thought I was 9cm, although it was tough to tell because of how I was sitting. We took the chance (with this break in contractions and with how close I was to delivering) to get back to the bed.

They checked me again since I was in a better position, and found me only to be 7-8cm. Grr. They also told me that Baby was "very posterior". OK, so this confirms Maria's suspicions about a malpositioned baby. We took this chance to change up positions again - draping myself over the raised bed again, tummy down, in hopes of getting Baby to flip.

The contractions started coming faster and faster again. I was in transition, apparently. Within minutes of the last check, I felt as though the baby was coming. "Don't push!" the nurses said. Another check a few minutes later showed my cervix had one little lip left. I couldn't help it, though - my body was pushing, and I was actually afraid. Maria had me panting with my chin in the air (apparently it's impossible to add to the natural pushing efforts this way!)... but what I knew of pushing before you were ready, I knew that it could be a potentially dangerous thing. But my body had started... with each contraction, it got worse - and while I didn't "lose control", I did let out a few shrieks and screams in the process. :) Who knew I could be so loud?

So at 6:05, the nurses were still telling me not to push. Maria was right in my ear almost yelling at me to PANT!, and poor Graeme had lost all circulation in his hand. I kept crying and telling them, "I can't help it, I can't stop it, I want to push!"

By the time the nurses told me I could finally push, Meaghan's head was halfway out. Immediately Dr. C walked in, told me to push again, and out came the rest of Meaghan's head. She immediately started crying. One more push and Meaghan was completely out at 6:10 a.m, eleven hours after I kicked into 3-minute-apart contractions.

It's a girl! Graeme broke down. I laid on my tummy, still draped over the head of the bed, in absolute relief.

Because of the position I was in, I didn't get to hold her right away. I was incredibly disappointed. I found out about half an hour later that she had pooped on her way out (explains the mess on my legs!! - I thought it was ME!!!, but Maria assured me it was meconium). They had taken her immediately to suction her and clean her up a bit, as the meconium aspiration can be dangerous... so I understood; I would've missed out even if I'd been in the 'classic' position anyway!

I had a 2nd degree tear requiring two layers of stitches. Not a surprise there - I tore with my other babies, too.

Meaghan's first attempt at nursing was terrible... we waited about half an hour and tried again; much better.

The nurse came to check on me (it was a shift change by this point), and I told her that i felt like I had a bit more bleeding the last few minutes. She checked, and sure enough, I was near-hemorrhaging. She then said, "I'm going to push on your tummy."

That was an understatement. She weighed about 250 lbs and concentrated every single ounce of that onto my stomach. She leaned on me, and a mess of big clots came gushing out. I screamed. Definitely not what I was expecting from her - a little preparation would've been nice! She repeated the process again right away, and then gave me a 10-minute rest before repeating again. By now she was happy that I'd been cleared out a bit. :) She wouldn't let me get up to shower, though - she gave me a sponge bath, and then made me stay in the L&D for another hour just to make sure there would be no more excessive bleeding.

Even then, she wouldn't let me walk; they put me in a wheelchair for the ride to my room. Only semi-private rooms were available; we prayed for no roommates. God answered! :) We went home on May 12th around noon. We could've gone home the night before, but Meaghan hadn't peed, so they wanted to keep an eye on her.

So, we got our sweet girlie. She has been a very good baby - sleeps well, nurses fabulously, and is very calm and serene. Her middle name is Serena - a quality name that we hoped would be part of her personality. We also got the other thing we wanted - a natural, non-medicated (at all!) birth. The recovery was amazing, too!!

We are blessed.

(Sorry, that was really long. I actually started writing this on June 1st...got about halfway done, and finished it tonight. Thanks for your patience, Jen! :)

Wrestling

I find myself wrestling against time itself...

...time enough to read to my boys

...time enough to catch up on my correspondence

...time to pay bills

...time to exercise

...time to finish laundry

...time to cook

...time to do basic housekeeping

...time to BLOG!

I feel fairly consumed this summer already - between swimming lessons, packing, moving, day camps, having a variety of appointments, and having a newborn, I feel like I'm going to be spending a lot less time on the computer, and possibly a lot less time blogging. I have so much I want to 'get out', but my time is so limited that by the time I actually sit down to 'outlet' I feel like it's just not flowing any more.

So there you have it. I'll likely be sporadic at best over the summer. I'll still try to get my birth story done, though, Jen! :)

Blessings,

Melissa

Family Camp

A couple of weekends ago, we got to go to a family camp retreat with several of the families from our church. We had a blast!! We were tired, the boys went to bed way too late the first night (to the tune of 10:30 p.m. or so), but we were also refreshed.

We got to stay in one of the staff dorm-houses; we had two rooms side by side. Graeme stayed in one room with the boys, and I stayed in the other with Meaghan. The first night was a tougher night; she had a tough time settling, and finally I realized the poor darling might be cold. Sure enough, the instant I brought her into my sleeping bag, she settled down, nursed, and fell immediately to sleep. I was aware of her all night long, but I loved having her next to me. Smelling her. Feeding her once in the night. Hearing her snorts and squeaks. Feeling her warmth and her quick short breaths. I loved it. The second night I was a little smarter and bundled her better, and she slept in the playpen till 4:00 a.m. Which means that *I* also slept until 4:00 a.m.; then she came into bed with me, and she fed and slept next to me for the rest of the night. At least I got a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, but I also got a nap both days, so I'm definitely not complaining.

It was also really hot on Saturday, so Meaghan got a heat rash all over her face and head, poor thing. I had to have her wrapped for a couple hours on Saturday as well so I could participate; she was having trouble napping away from me that particular afternoon, so I dressed us both lightly and wrapped her up. Regardless, we were both drenched afterwards, but she slept! :)

The boys ran around like crazy and tuckered themselves out; we had lots of play time, an Amazing Race Family Edition (we lost), chapel time where I got to lead worship on Sunday morning, and a good speaker to challenge us in our faith. It was fabulous!

OK, now for the REAL reason people check out blogs - PICTURES! :)

Meaghan napping in Dustin's sleeping bag:

The view of the lake, and Joshua playing basketball:

Dustin making a silly face:

Joshua and basketball time:

Meaghan having yet another nap:

Dustin and one of his little friends falling out of the bouncy castle:

Joshua in playtime with lots of other kids:

My view as I was nursing Meaghan one day: I was trying to be discreet since there were lots of other guys around, so I covered myself with one of my blankets (she's puked all over my nursing cape!), sat around the corner on a quiet spot on the deck, and proceeded. Wouldn't you know it, man after man after man came around the corner and got the "awkward look" on their face. What can I do? There really was no decent place to nurse a baby, and I thought I'd done my due diligence as far as finding a quiet spot and being discreet. Oh well, ya just can't win! Anyway, this was my view - such a sweet little hand...

Dustin and his shoes:

A family shot, just before leaving camp:

Joshua's graduation

Joshua is no longer a preschooler. He will be going to Kindergarten next year! EEK! Wasn't it just yesterday that I held this 8 lb 15 oz 22 1/2" long squirmy bruiser in my arms for the first time?

Here are some pictures from graduation... along with Meaghan's classic "Hmm, I don't know about this" finger-on-the-chin pose, and some randoms of the pre-ceremony bbq.

Quickie

This is a quick update on the things that I would blog about if I had time to write a decent post (we could also call this post "Subjects for Posts I Should Be Writing"):

Meaghan is the *perfect* content little dolly. I can't get enough of her. I am in awe of God's grace and goodness. He truly knows what we need - Meaghan is God's balm to my soul.

Conditions were removed on the sale of our acreage a few days ago - praise God!

We found "our" new home two nights ago. Long whirlwind day with Meaghan and our realtor, but we did it.

Joshua "graduated" from preschool last night.

We went to a family camp/retreat with our church last weekend - we were SOOOO blessed! I loved getting away.

Let the summer begin!! I loved the smell of the rain today...mmmmmm.....

My girlie

My wee girlie was looking at her new mobile funded by Gramma Rita... Joshua broke our last mobile when Dustin was a baby. I couldn't resist some pictures. And then I couldn't resist even more pictures when she fell asleep. What IS it about sweet sleeping babies, anyway?

We've had some ups and downs over the last days. We are still trying to find the *perfect* house to move to. Conditions are not yet removed on this one anyway, so we're not in a huge crunch. I struck out on some viewings the other day, and three more that I was going to do today were duds - I realized as I did drive-by's of them, so I cancelled the showings and now we're onto other places for tomorrow morning.

Must run... sprinkler time??

Showered with blessings

Some ladies from church threw a baby shower for Meaghan tonight!  I had a fun time; it was really relaxed and easy-going, and Meaghan was a perfect dolly the whole time.  I fed her twice, got to talk to quite a few people, and just had a nice girls-night out.

I am tired.  No big surprise there.  Thankfully Meaghan is sleeping well at night.  I got home later than anticipated tonight after having to run an errand, and have now just finished writing out birthday invitations to send with Joshua to preschool tomorrow - my little guy turns 5 on the 20th!!  Time flies...

Going to bed now.  I just feel so blessed I had to share it.  Good friends, caring ladies, a beautiful little girlie who has stolen my heart, and two big boys who are healthy and busy and happy and who have also stolen my heart!

WOW!

God is good.

We had two showings on our house yesterday, and one this morning while we were away at church.

The people from today put an offer in, we countered, and they accepted subject to home inspection.  Pretty normal/standard.

The average time on the market for acreages is 50 days right now.  Did we really just sell our house in less than 48 hours after it hit the market?  

Like, I can stop cleaning it so meticulously, being afraid of every single crumb that drops and every drop of water on the floor?

Can we really start looking for a new place?

The buyers wrote this really sweet letter, too, that our realtor read to us before giving us the offer.  Young family, etc... will transcribe it to my blog when I get a chance; it was just so beautiful.  

Anyway, our realtor is coming in an hour to sign papers and such.  Then we wait for the inspection, which will happen sometime this coming week.

This happened soooo fast.  

YIKES!!!!  :)

This is what happens...

...when your office becomes everyone's catch-all.

It was made worse by the fact that we were trying to clean & tidy the house for realtor pictures for our listing.

It was the last room I figured I'd get to, being that I thought we could get away without having one room photographed.

Well, I got it cleaned.  I have one bin of 'stuff' to rifle through, file, and put away.  But the rest is good to go.  And yes, the insides of the cupboards are tidy!  :)

It was a bit of a rough afternoon.  This might be TMI, but I had stopped bleeding a few days ago.  I was finished around 3 weeks with Dustin, too, so I wasn't surprised.  But then today it started up full force - the kind you DON'T want to see... so I'm being forced to the sidelines for a few days.  

However, our house went on the market officially around 1 p.m. this afternoon.

I got a call at 2:14 saying that we had two showings booked.  One was for 3:00 this afternoon. 

I had 45 minutes.  Thankfully we hadn't been home much, so there really wasn't much mess to contend with at all, and Meaghan was snoozing.  But I knew I'd have to wake the boys early from naptime and get them out of the house.  That was a disaster - both were in tears and completely unreasonable... I can't say I blame them.

So after our outing (a walk in the rain with popsicles - I figured they needed a treat for the interruption they were enduring), we had hot chocolate & granola bars, and then I let the boys watch a bit of TV, made them a light supper of apples & oatmeal, and that's when it all went downhill.  Table manners out the window, back-talking, complete disregard for my requests to stop spitting food out, etc... then it got worse when it was bathroom time, and Joshua just got all nasty with me again...  They went to bed without stories tonight (makes me sad), then about half an hour after they went to bed, I started hearing them screaming at each other... 

My heart just aches.  I just want so badly for them to behave.  To see that life is a lot smoother when we're compliant and joyful.  I don't want to have to be a mean mom.  I don't want to have to get upset at them for blatant defiance.  I feel like I spend the second part of every single day fighting an inner battle and waging against myself, willing my tone of voice and my actions to be firm but loving with them... I love them so much it hurts, and yet I hate how I feel towards them by the end of a long day.  After hours of gently, patiently, and lovingly correcting them, my patience wears thin and I feel like I'm going to snap.  I don't want to get harsh with them, but my filters are worn down and I'm exhausted and I sometimes end up losing my cool with them.

They're just little kids.  They're boys.  But how does one deal with the outright defiance and disrespect?  I don't understand.  I'm trying to make sure my heart is right before God and before my children.  I'm constantly examining myself to see where I'm falling short, and making adjustments accordingly.  We are consistent in our discipline, but sadly, sometimes the only way we see results is when we have to be *harsh* with them.  Sometimes they respond SO well to what I call 'the first stages of discipline', but then an hour later, we find we have to resort to firmer measures.  No, we don't beat our kids, but we do have to start removing privileges, etc., and yes, occasionally we have to apply the rod of discipline to the seat of correction.

I feel like a bad mom in times like that.  My best is just not good enough, and I can't stand it sometimes.  But the inner stuff is even harder... I can't stand *myself* sometimes.

So there you have it.

Dealing with two preschoolers, one infant, selling a house, post-partum hormones, and normal life.  Anyone who says that staying home with kids is *easier* than working a full time job is completely nuts.  

Worth it?  Yes.  But my 'yes' will be a lot more hesitant if you catch me in the middle of a discipline crisis.

G'night.

Near nightmare

Hooooo boy.

So the other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she asked if my dad knew about Meaghan or if I'd heard from him after missy was born.

I told her that I hadn't seen him in almost 5 years.  Not since Joshua was four months old.  We haven't heard anything from him in forever other than a token Christmas card signed, "Your Dad" and a sticky note written inside saying that he and his girlfriend (?? - is that what you call your dad's partner?) had parted ways.

I was in Wal-Mart in Fort Saskatchewan today looking for a certain kind of storage bin.

I had the bins that I wanted in the cart already, Dustin sitting in the top of the cart, me pushing the shopping cart with one hand and carrying Meaghan's carseat with the other.  (I'd have slung or wrapped her 'cept I knew I'd be lifting heavy stuff and would've had to use the front of my body to do so - didn't want to squish M!)

So, I was ready to go pay.  I almost turned down this one aisle.  Good thing I had my head up (I often don't).  

At the end of that particular aisle, looking at who-knows-what, was... you guessed it.  My 'dad'.  I'm pretty sure he didn't see me.

I put my head down, kept going straight instead, and hoofed it to the nearest cash register and out of the store.  

Because I didn't need a confrontation.

Because he doesn't care.

Because he slanders me and makes me feel like trash.

Because I had the kids with me.

Because I don't want to be hurt again.

I've shaken it off, but man, that was a close call... who would've thought I would run into him THERE of all places.  Not either of our home-towns.  

I'm going to go snuggle with my little dolly now.  She needs her mama.  And I need her.  The boys are napping now - they have been so good today.  Very compliant, very happy, very joyful. 

A new day

I finally got to bed around 1:30 last night, blissfully unaware of how cold it was getting as the night wore on (we left our window open).  I got my kitchen spiffy, which went a huge way in helping me feel a little more accomplished.

See, here's the thing.

We're selling our acreage.  :(

The realtor is coming this afternoon to take pictures, and we'll be on the market by this time tomorrow.

I am torn.  This place has been wonderful in so many ways - lots of open space, quiet most of the time (but we border on the range road), fun for the boys... but it's had a lot of 'down's', too.  The problems that were not disclosed when we took possession - like the mold and water damage - took their toll financially on us.  In a lot of ways, this place has been a nightmare.  The inspector fell short and we have no recourse.

So we're moving.

We've fixed it up, but we feel like this place is a ticking time bomb, and we're waiting for the next thing to happen.  What next?  The septic system is 25 years old.  The well is 25 years old.  These are NOT cheap fixes.  And there's no way we can afford to take that on.

Couple that with the fact that 3 days after Meaghan was born, we started seeing surveying people at the back of our property.  Directly behind us.  Graeme did some phoning, and the County dug up some information about a new subdivision that will likely go in RIGHT behind us, construction starting in a year or two.  And lasting for 2-3 years.  Noisy, noisy, noisy.  As if the range road isn't bad enough.  Our idyllic setting is being quite intruded upon.  That was kind of the last straw for Graeme especially.

We don't have a place to go to yet - we are fairly confident that our acreage will move quickly, but you just never know.  The banks will not float us for two mortgages unless our place sells first and it's simply a case of overlapping possession dates.  So we're hoping for a long enough possession date on this place to enable us a boatload of time to find the 'perfect' house to go to.

Our plan is to move back into town, which is hard for us to fathom.  But we're going to be quite picky about where we go and what sort of house we get into.  My biggest thing is that we have a place where our back yard backs onto a park and/or a big 'green space'.  I don't want neighbors behind me.  

This getting ready to list is why I feel so under the gun...see yesterday's post...

Must get back to it here.  Laura will be here in 4 hours, and there is much yet to do.

Pity Party

It's been a very long day.

A day full of housecleaning - does 4 or 5 hours of organizing, tidying, and cleaning count as exercise?

A day full of a little girlie with a very sour tummy.  She had one good nap; the rest were 5-minute catnaps followed by puking.  Then more nursing.  Normally she feeds 8 times a day.  Today was closer to about 14.  I am exhausted.  I feel like I'm overfeeding her, but I've heard that a nursing baby won't overfeed like they can with a bottle.

A day full of tasks that did not get done.  A kitchen is disastrous, an office is overrun with other peoples' junk again, and the floors are sticky and caked with...who knows what.

An evening full of discipline and little boys who wouldn't do the simplest of tasks when asked.

I long night of work ahead before I can rest my head on my pillow.

Tired as I am, I'm thankful that I am not in pain.

Tomorrow is another long day.   Hopefully Meaghan copes better.  I can't imagine how much less I would've accomplished if the boys had been home, too; they were at G&G's house most of the day.  I would've wrapped Meaghan and done a bunch of work with her that way, but it was so freakishly hot today that we both would've wilted.  As it was, my blood pressure issues got the best of me twice today in a pretty big way.  Crumpling to the floor is not my preferred method of getting to sleep.

I feel like I could come unglued almost at any moment.  Trying desperately to put my head down, get the work done, and not think about what it's costing me.

Thanks for listening.  I need a hug.

Baby Faces

I did a little photo shoot with my little missy yesterday while the boys were out...  who can resist?

Beautiful dolly...

Little birdie:

Gettin' ready for an outing with mama - first time in jeans!

We love tummy time!!

Who you lookin' at?

I love the shirt, but is anyone else creeped out by how her head looks like it's on backwards?  Just plopped on the floor on top of a shirt... very odd... she's also losing some of her beautiful hair!!  :(

Precious face...