A verdict, but still no improvement

I finally got in to see another doctor on Friday - mine went on vacation.  This doc repeated a urine test and listened to my lungs again (both of which were clear 3 days before), and I still had a nice fever when I went into his office - I like to be symptomatic when I see a doctor.  Nothing worse than going in only to have them tell you that you're not that bad; go home.  Anyway, I have a urinary tract infection and bronchitis.  Nice combination.  Lots of shivering, a ton of sweating lately (it's getting really gross), and zero appetite.  I'm forcing down something here and there, but it's not going well.  At least I can drink.  

The kids spent the entire week at Gramma & Grampa's house.  Graeme would take them with him in the morning on his way to work, and bring them home after work.  I'd get to see them for a few minutes, as much as my energy would allow, and then go back to bed.  This fever has been fairly unrelenting, and I'm still hesitant to be too close to the kiddies because I don't want them to catch any other mystery bugs that might be floating in my aura.  :)

I miss my kids.  Joshua totally understands that I'm sick and can't play with him, and he's cool with it.  He likes to come and stroke my face and be all loving.  He's a good caregiver.  He gets me more water when I need it, makes sure I'm taking my medicine, and makes sure the lights aren't hurting my head.  :)

Then there's Dustin, who is still a little too young to understand.  Yesterday, since Graeme was home, the boys were home, too.  I've made my 'bedroom' in the basement rec room; we pulled the spare mattress from Joshua's bunk bed and put it on the floor - much comfier than sofa cushions that slip out from under you!  Anyway, so I was laying on the mattress yesterday right before lunch, and Dustin just wanted to play with me, so he started bouncing on me.  Too cute.  I started crying - not because he was hurting me, but because I was just so sad for him.  I can't help what's going on with me... I can't make it stop... and it's so unpredictable!  I felt good enough on Thursday night (I think it was Thursday, anyway!) so I made buns, cleaned the kitchen, helped put the boys to bed... and yesterday, it was all I could do to get to the bathroom. 

Every time Dustin comes in from playing outside, or wakes up from his nap, or comes home from Gramma's house, I can hear his little robotic voice, "See Mommy?"  Sometimes he actually finds me (during the day I'll sometimes lay in our bed upstairs), and he'll ask me, "Mommy, play wif me?"  or "Mommy, you sick anymore?"  My heart aches for this little doodle.  

So I've been sick before.  I've had some pretty nasty flus.  But after 2 days I'm usually functional enough to look after my own kids!  This is over a week now.  

Graeme ventured out to church with the boys today - I think he's going stir-crazy with them.  :) 

Still feelin' icky

So the fever is still hanging on nicely.  I thought it was going to break yesterday - usually when my fevers are about to break, I sweat like a horse - get absolutely drenched - and then I'm done.  Well, I got the 'drenched' part down yesterday, but then 2 hours later, I was back up to 102.5.  Crazy.  Shivering, sweating, shivering, sweating...  my body just can't figure out what it wants.  It's frustrating.  I ache all over from laying down so much, too.  I have a doc's appt at 11:30 to see if he can figure out what's going on.  This is misery.  The kids spent all day yesterday at Gramma & Grampa's house, and they are there again today.  One day they will be old enough to look after themselves when Mama gets sick, but for now, they're still too needy.

I'm very sick to my stomach - can't eat anything, but at least I can drink.  I've had a lot of water lately, as well as some apple juice this morning, and Graeme bought me a Booster Juice last night when he came home with the boys.  I've lost about 5 lbs already.  We all know it's just going to come back when I can start eating & drinking normally again...

Hopefully I have enough energy to go to my swimming lesson tomorrow...  

Sick again

This time... the flu?  Not sure.  I ache all over, have apiked a pretty good temp in the last 2 hours, was shivering all night last night, am nauseous, coughing...  Oh, I hope it's over soon.  I've been watching other peoples' Facebook status updates saying how they feel like they've been hit by a truck... yup, I can definitely feel their pain.  

I can't afford to be sick!  I mean, none of us can, but seriously...

On a more positive note, I got to sing with Pastor Mark this morning at a community church in the Park.  He was doing a 'concert' sort of thing and needed an alto, so he e-mailed me and asked if I'd be willing and available!  Thursday's rehearsal went well, and despite being a shivery achey mess all night last night, I think today went well enough.  I wanted to 'represent' well - God first and foremost of course, but I also wanted to represent Mark well since it's obvious I was 'imported'.  :)  It was a good time.  They (Mark & his wife, Anna) are moving back to Calgary at the end of next week, so this was a nice bit of closure for me.  At least I know where I can go for some good Italian food - his wife Anna is an amazing cook, so I'm told...

Eww.  As if Italian food is something I actually can fathom right now.  Excuse me while I go deal with that thought...

Anyway, Graeme and the kids are off to Curtis & Darcy's for dinner tonight.  They made plans while I was at church, but of course I felt like I'd been 'hit by a truck'... tried to sleep it off, but woke up with a definite fever instead.  No germ-bag is welcome at their house - can't say I blame them.  Oh well, at least the kids will have fun.

Time to go find my trusty blanket and my bucket...

Jen, I hope you feel better (more rested) soon, too!!

I'm back!

I had a fun retreat!  I went to a place called King's Fold, out by Cochrane.  The drive out was a bit intense - I got off a little later than I intended to, and ended up driving a narrow, winding, foggy road in the dark.  However, I got there safely.  The next morning I woke to find myself with a beautiful view of the mountains!  It was pretty sweet.  I did a lot of hiking, a lot of reading, a lot of sitting by the river, and a lot of reflecting.  I've never sat and read/reflected by a river before, and I have to say it was totally fabulous.  The food was amazing - all home-made - I even got their bun recipe, it was so amazing!

So now I'm back to real life.  Hoping to implement some of the things I *learned* this weekend.  Hoping to *rise up on wings as eagles*.  Hoping to be stronger and more stable, with goals and plans that are achievable and realistic.  Oh, and to have a house that cleans itself.  *grin*

The boys were happy to see me, as I was happy to see them, too.  They both woke super early this morning to make sure I was here - Joshua used an excuse of a sore foot to come find me, and Dustin was just awake and let me snuggle in his bed with him for about 45 minutes before the love was all over.  It ended when he kept slamming his stuffed puppy into my head.

Today the boys both have dental appointments.  Dustin's lower 4 teeth are pretty cramped together, and have quite a bit of buildup already despite the dedicated brushing and flossing I've been doing.  We'll see how he does in the chair.  Joshua is amazing in the chair - he's done it before and totally amazed me.  He's a good one for the dentist!

I'm waiting for my friend Tanya to have her baby.  After a rough pregnancy last time around with a ton of bed rest and misery (oh, if you only knew her story...), this pregnancy has gone very well and now we're all waiting as she gets ever-closer to her due date.  Come on out, little baby!  

On a side note... I was thinking about all my pregnant friends.  I made a list.  There are 17.  SEVENTEEN!!  Who has that many friends who are pregnant at the same time?  Crazy.  What's in the water, anyway?

I'll post a few pics of my weekend another time... for now, I gotta get myself a little snack and get out the door for the boys' appointments!

Ironies

I received an e-mail in my inbox today titled "8 Ways to Get a Better Sleep" or something like that.

Last night I had the worst sleep I've had in months.  If you can even call what I did "sleep".

I went swimming last night - started taking lessons, finally - who says you're too old?  Did my 1-hour lesson.  Now, I'm not the world's worst swimmer; probably just in the bottom 10% or so.  My stamina is terrible, and my technique is, well, I wouldn't even call it "technique". 

But I can kick.  My chiropractor told me once (when he was working on my knee one time) that I have "good strong legs".  Oh, you can come out and say it.  They're big.  I will never have those cute little skirt-worthy calves that my mother-in-law has.  Ever.  I am Dutch.  My calves are big.  So are my quads.  

So anyway, I was in the pool and decided to stay for the lane swim afterwards, since my lesson went well and I didn't do as poorly as I thought I would.  And I can kick.  So I thought I'd hang out and do some lengths.  Is a lap considered 2 lengths?  Well, whatever.  I ended up doing 31 lengths of the 25m pool.  At least I'm pretty sure it's a 25m pool.  Sure wasn't as big as the pool Phelps swam in in Beijing.  I kicked my way in a side-glide, a back-glide, and a front-glide.  I occasionally threw in a few arm strokes for good measure, but, being as ungraceful as it was, I generally just glided with my feet being my propellers.

My legs cramped up after about 20 lengths.  But the pool wasn't closing for another 20 minutes, so I figured I'd make the most of my time and keep going towards my goal of 30 lengths.  The 31st length was thrown in for good measure considering that I ended on the "wrong" side of the pool.

So yes, those good, big, strong calves of mine cramped up.  I can hardly walk today.  

And... bizarre of all bizarre things, something happened to my upper shoulder/neck on the left side... it feels like I've had a surgery where they've pumped my abdomen full of air.  Any of you who have ever had such surgery know the associated shoulder pain that can go along with it.  I laid with an ice pack on my neck for an hour this morning.  I can hardly turn my head.  The leg thing, I can understand.  I just overdid it.  But the neck thing???  Strange.  Just weird.  But then again, I am a LaRue.  All of the odd things happen to anyone with LaRue as their last name.

Tomorrow I am leaving on a retreat.  Just me.  Myself.  And I.  And some books, and some recipe cards, and my calendar, and my Bible.  And some music.  I need some time away from the rat-race to plan my year.  To set goals and plans of action to reach those goals.  I'm so tired of living week to week, just trying to make it to the end without crashing.  I need something bigger for my family.  Something to reach for.  There has been so much going on with Graeme's work, with my health, with the kids' activities... I haven't had time to really sit and plan anything.  I want to be excited about the vision God will give us for our family... right now, that vision is clouded by all the frustrations of this past year.  So I'm going to clear my head for a couple of days.  

Besides, Jesus retreated.  So it must be OK.  And if anyone had responsibilities, it's Him.

Frustrations

So, Graeme is supposed to have a new tech starting today.

The tech is supposed to take over my job of robin hood blisterpacking.

She has been delayed twice coming from BC.  The first time had to do with her movers being a week behind schedule.  The last one had to do with her husband winding up in the hospital with pneumonia and her son breaking her arm.

She has said that she is not reachable by phone, and the only way she can communicate with Graeme is by e-mail.  Graeme's second-to-last e-mail to her outlined that he expects her to find a better way to touch base rather than e-mail - 'cuz really, with today's technology... there are payphones out there, at least!!

Anyway, she still e-mailed (3 days after Graeme's e-mail) to say she would still like to start, and that she would contact him at 4:00 p.m. or that he could call her to confirm.  I immediately told him to wait for her to follow through on her end of the bargain.  He didn't want to wait, but understood my reasoning.

Did she phone?  Nope.  I even told Graeme to give her an hour's grace because maybe she didn't know about the time change.

By 7:00 Graeme had tried to phone her 3 times, with no luck.  She had also not tried to get ahold of him.

No e-mail, either.

This ruined most of Graeme's day yesterday.  We are disheartened, disappointed, and I'm just downright miffed at the whole situation.  The nerve... if she had no intention of following through, then she should've let us know.  We could've been looking for someone else.  The lack of commitment she has made to keep her word to call us is appalling... now if she shows up for work this morning, will we even want to keep her on?  This is NOT a good impression... and it means that until he finds someone, I'll be working evenings to do the work, as my Tuesdays are running out (Joshua starts preschool and I start Bible study).

Must go.  The boys woke up too early today - like 6:20 - and I am already irritated.  And I know Graeme is just miffed, too.  *sigh*

Goofy boys

We got these special glasses at Cineplex last night when we went to view the 3D presentation of "Journey to the Centre of the Earth".  It was a pretty good flick, actually - better than I was expecting, anyway.  It helped that we had two free movie coupons as well as a gift card so we got in for free, pretty much.  At the price of movies and snacks these days, every little thing helps!!

The boys found the glasses today and posed for me...

Yesterday we had a date day. Our first in ages!!  We dropped off the kids at Gramma's house around 9:00, and headed into the city around 9:30 to start our date with erranding  (fun, fun, I know).  Our first stop was to South Common, where we had to buy Joshua a new carseat.  He's getting too big for his regular seat, so we upgraded him to a booster seat - he's feeling like such a big boy, now, being able to wear an "adult" seatbelt!!  We also got some track pants that were much needed for Graeme, and I bought a couple pairs of exercise shorts.

We then stopped at a couple of fireplace shops on Calgary trail - we're considering changing our drafty not-so-easy-to-light wood insert to a gas insert... but we don't have the money.  I suppose we'll just have to smoke the house out a few more times before we learn to do the wood one right.  Let me tell you, it's a far cry different from the wood stove I lit during most of my upbringing!!  

Then it was off to Kingsway - I needed a new swimsuit.  My old one still functions to an extent... however, I am starting swimming lessons on Wednesday and my old suit isn't so much for swimming as it is for bathing.  Big difference.  I went out on Friday night briefly to Southgate to check things out, and came home disappointed, of course, although I did have an idea of a couple of suits that might work.  So we headed up to Kingsway on Saturday to the same store, where I pulled the two suits from the rack to show Graeme.  The sales associate stopped me and asked me what I was intending on using them for (ummm... swimming?)... and she told me that a better and longer-lasting suit would be over *here*... and within 15 minutes I found something that fit, covered well, and felt good.  This is absolutely unheard of!!  Usually it takes me a good couple of hours, lots of frustration, and multiple trips to various places.  *whew!*

After that, the *real* date started.  We went to the River Valley - stopped at a park near downtown - and then biked for about 2 1/2 hours.  It was a really perfect afternoon for riding!!  So relaxing - I felt like one happy woman.  It was really nice.

Came home, showered, went to dinner at Boston Pizza (yum!), went for a long walk since we had a ton of time before the movie started, then went to the movie.  Came home around midnight, just in time to fall into bed for a few hours before heading over to Gramma & Grampa's to have breakfast with the boys (the only way they would spend the night last night was if we promised them we'd come and have breakkies with them).

The hunt for a new church is proving interesting and challenging.  :(  

This week - a busy week!  Prison Break is on tomorrow night, I work on Tuesday after accompanying Joshua to his preschool orientation in the morning (i'll get to stay with him), and on Wednesday I have an appointment (nothing serious, just routine), a registration date for Joshua & Wee College, and my first swimming lesson!!  

I think I can breathe on Thursday.

And on Friday... I get to go away for the weekend!  Alone!!  I know I'll miss Graeme and the kids like crazy, but I am kind of going crazy.  (Paige, I don't know how you do it, honestly!)  I am going to a Christian retreat centre near Cochrane from Friday afternoon till Sunday night.  I need some time to gather myself, spend some uninterrupted time with God, and do some planning before the busy year ahead.  I want to come home with a vision of how I want this next year to operate.  Right now I feel like I'm operating day to day and week to week, and I want more than that!  I also plan on bringing maybe some scrapbooking stuff.  The best part is the price...  any hotels or whatever that I looked at would cost me $80-$100+ per night, plus I'd have to make meals and such.  This whole thing is costing me only $159 which includes two nights' accommodations, 5 meals, and all the relaxation a body could want!!  I'm really looking forward to it...

I'll check in later this week!

What a day!

What an interesting day today turned out to be!

The other day I decided to look up my cousin, whom I'd never met but knew a little about, on Facebook.  I typed in his name, and only one match came up.  I e-mailed him to see if he was my cousin, and he replied, giving me even more information than I had given him, to confirm that he was indeed my eldest cousin on my mom's side!  He gave me his phone number, and I called him tonight - we talked for over an hour!!  

We've always known about each other, but have never actually talked.  Family dynamics were disastrous even before I came along.  Fallouts between his mom and the rest of the family created a cavern so deep and wide... from what I've gathered, he was pretty much best friends with my eldest brother, Stuart, who died about 4 years before I was born.  So, even though Lorne and I have never connected, there was a built-in connection that we were able to use.  It was really neat getting to know Lorne a bit - he's had *quite* the life, lots of loss and pain.  Lots of good things, too - we talked a lot about my granny & grampa.  But we barely scratched the surface.  He is 13 years my senior.  He was beyond thrilled that I would make the effort to find him. 

I am tired of the puzzle pieces of my family missing.  I am old enough that I can take things into my own hands; to try and find people and create connections just because you're family.  I can never get the past back, but I can take care of the future to an extent, and within God's will and purpose for me to do that.  I will never find all the pieces, or know all the stories, but that's not up to me.  I'm just thankful that I've gotten another chunk.  

Imagine.  30 years I could've had, knowing Lorne... I won't get that back.  But at least I have tomorrow, and the next day, and whatever days God allows...

Onto other things... i took the kids out for a walk this afternoon - well, more like I walked, and they rode in the chariot.  I went for about 3 miles.  Joshua walked about 1/2 mile, and Dustin about the same.  It was fun, and the weather was perfect!  I also got 3 loads of laundry done, got Dustin to pee on the potty several times today (he's so proud and likes to bring me the potty...ewww!...thankfully no spills yet, though!), and bleached my kitchen.  I also wrote letters to two of our compassion kids, got bills paid, and expenses done. If not for my long phone call with Lorne tonight, I'd have gotten the rest of my to-do list done, but obviously priorities were shifted...

I'm tired.  It's late.  I'm gonna go to bed, thankful to God for family tonight!!

Oddities

My body can't seem to figure out what it wants.

Yesterday, I had absolutely no appetite, but ate a few things anyway.  Food was bland and just plain uninteresting - yes, even the bbq'd steak and corn on the cob was relatively boring to my taste buds!

Today... well, that's another story altogether.  I have been insatiably hungry.  My tummy has started grumbing at midnight or 1:00 these last few nights, so tonight I made myself a couple of slices of toast.  I could've eaten seconds and thirds of dinner; lunch barely scratched the surface... you get the picture.  But, I exercised my self-control.

Speaking of exercise, I went out for a ride tonight.  I bought a headlight for my bike so that I'm more visible... however, the eerie sounds of the dusk still weirded me out.  :)  I did only about 7 miles tonight.  It got too dark for me to want to do any more.  

We have a new computer.  Probably the first new computer we've ever purchased.  We got a MAC.  Graeme loves it.  I like it, too, but haven't had much time to play on it.  I'm still waiting for the "wow" factor.

Worked today.  Our other tech is now another week behind as her son broke his arm and her husband landed in the hospital with pneumonia.  Sheesh.  What next.

Tomorrow is a home day with the boys.  Yay!

We went to Fort Edmonton Park the other day with Gramma & Grampa - that was a lot of fun!  Here are some pictures...

My favorite, of the boys on the fence at FEP:

My fave of Graeme!

A random picture of Dustin, not from FEP:

A not-so-random shot of Joshua; I had to take a picture of him to send to his pre-school teacher - I chose a different one to send to her, but I like this body pose better!  :)

Been thinkin' about...

...Daddies.

An exerpt from my friend's blog (well, her entire post from yesterday):

On fatherhood.
There's a nip in the air. It's the last day of August & it still seems too soon for there to be that familiar chill, but there it is. This Saturday, we went to the pool, in lieu of our summertime outdoor fun. Last year, we accidentally went to a special "family day" at the pool & won a prize for the largest family in attendance ~ including a $20 gift certificate for the little eatery they have in the rec center. Neil decided since it was a drizzly day & we had errands to run after swimming, that we'd stop & use our certificate to get some munchies. The kids loved it ~ all sitting at one little table, while Neil & i sat with Gage at a table to ourselves. We were done & just visiting & playing with the baby. Neil was holding Gage & just tickling him & nuzzling his nose into his chubby little neck when i noticed a teenage boy ~ maybe 15? who was walking by. He stopped dead in his tracks & turned & stared at Neil & Gage. Neil didn't notice, but i couldn't help it as he was standing maybe 6 feet from us. i saw a look on his face that i can only describe as *hungry*. Eventually, he pulled himself away & sat at the farthest table from us ~ but still keeping his eyes on Father & Son.
Maybe it was my imagination.
Maybe i read something into the situation that wasn't there...
But it seemed to me in that moment that that big boy with messy red hair, dressed all in black ~ thought my sweet little cherub baby boy was lucky.
& he is.
i want to pray for fathers ~ that their hearts would be softened towards their children. God, give them eyes to see, ears to hear ~ & hearts that love.
My mom once said to me something to the effect that we need to be praying for the daddies as they're the ones who are "interfacing with the world on our behalf". i think this is so true ~ especially as i get to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom ~ & Neil's the one who gets teased about his big family & who has to worry about the fact that if we ever have another one, we'll have to buy a bigger vehicle, & where do all the dollars & cents go at the end of the month? Maybe all that 'interfacing' is too much for some men & that's why fatherlessness is one of the biggest challenges facing children today.
i am so grateful for my good man.

I think she said it all. What a sweet picture, but sorrowful, too. Thanks for sharing this, Paige, and for letting me share on my blog, too!