Spencer's Dedication Day

I shed a few tears today.

Today was the day we stood before our church family, Graeme's family, and many of our close friends and presented Spencer to God, publicly declaring that we were intending to raise Spencer to know God and pray that Spencer will one day serve Him.

The mix of emotions - happy that God has chosen us to be Spencer's parents.  That *I* get to be his mama.  I love this little man something fierce.

{Listening to Pastor Mike talk - Spencer looking straight at Auntie Carly.}

Happy that God has seen fit to provide my kids with good grandparents on Graeme's side of the family.  Our relationship with them is rocky at times, but they *are* good grandparents.

Sad that my own family could still care less.

Hurt that my own mother and father can't be bothered.

I didn't even bother inviting my mom to this one.  I invited her to the last two dedications (Dustin's and Meaghan's), and she made lame excuses about being too busy (she didn't work full time at the time and only lives an hour away).  I've also invited her to countless kid birthdays and Christmases and Thanksgivings, with no attendance.  Thinking that it's large crowds that set her off, I've also invited her to just *come* on one of her days off...and still, nothing.  I talked it over with Graeme, a couple of friends, and one of my pastors (also our friend), and we all came to the same conclusion - that we are obviously not a priority in her life and that if by some miracle she actually came to Spencer's dedication and to our home afterwards for lunch, that it would be incredibly awkward for everyone else that came, not to mention tense for me.  This was not one of those days that I wanted ruined by tension and awkwardness.

(Stay with me - that was actually relevant...)

The pastor who did the dedication - our friend Mike - approached me before the service and asked if he could say a few words about *my* family, and acknowledge that God has filled that gap with supportive friends - people who have come alongside of us as we've had to wrestle some big things over the last couple of years.  I said that it would be OK if he spoke briefly to that.

I knew that I would probably get a little misty-eyed, choking back a bit of emotion when he addressed God's design in this for me, and His placement of those special people.  What I didn't expect was that Mike was actually going to have those people stand up and be counted as "my family".  (Normally, during the dedication, the pastor acknowledges the extended family by name - grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends that have driven from afar to be there.)  The brief look of shock that registered was followed immediately by me screwing up my face in an unsuccessful attempt to hold back the tears as I saw some of my dear friends - the Walkers, the Schnells, and even Mike himself as he acknowledged himself and his wife - stand in this declaration that they are "family".

{Me desperately trying not to cry, and shushing a hungry baby at the same time.  I'm all for nursing discreetly in public, but standing up in front of 200-ish people might've been pushing it a little! It was this precise moment that Mike was pointing to MaryJane and Shane Walker.}

Others would have stood if they were there.  I know without a doubt that they would have.  Just knowing that brings a warmth over my soul that is indescribable.

I am humbled and incredibly blessed.  Even as I write this, I cannot fathom these incredible gifts that God has given me.

{One attempt at a family photo at home following the service - probably our best shot out of the whole lot!}

We spent most of the afternoon fellowshipping; Graeme's parents, my sister-in-lawDarcy, and my niece and nephew were here, as well as the Schnells, Walkers, Engbers, and Rosses.  I had made pulled beef, and we had sliced up some buns for pulled beef sandwiches, and I made a yummy asian cabbage salad as well.  There were well over 20 people here today; some left after a couple of hours, and others stayed for about 4 hours.  A couple people brought salads to go with the meal.  We made punch and iced tea and water and a veggie tray.  Someone else brought cake with a blessing for Spencer written on it.  We ate it with chocolate ice cream.

{the cake}

My dishwasher is full, and the counter is still piled high with larger dishes that can wait until tomorrow.

{Graeme's parents with all the kids - attempts at a grandparent photo - check out Graeme's dad's face!!}

{A better attempt.  By this point Spencer had come completely unglued so we just went ahead and did all the pictures with him crying.}

{Mary Jane & Shane}

{Kerry, Michael, and Aliyah.  Somehow Spencer is not crying here.  Michael had quite the gift with Spencer - at one point Spencer was a complete wreck, Michael picked him up and did his "ADHD routine" with him, and the calming effect was immediate and lasted almost half an hour!}

{Christina, Mike, Cara, Rachel, and Madi}

{Tim, Lisa, Hudson, & Talliah Ross}

{Aliyah, 8 1/2 months old, sitting pretty}

{The pretty girl got pretty tired.}

{Aliyah's daddy may or may not have been messing with her...}

{Christina, Mary Jane, Rachel, and Meaghan having some fun on the trampoline.  Rachel was making up some sort of game.}

Exhausted?  Yes.  The food preparations and housecleaning tuckered me out, and hosting a larger gathering like this is always tiring but invigorating at the same time.  Spencer had an "overstimulated" day, though, and was not in his finest form.  However, we celebrated him... we celebrated friendship today... we celebrated God.  He is so full of goodness, and my heart overflows.

So yes, I shed a few tears today.  But for the most part, they were tears of joy at Christ's mercies and gifts.  He is so very good to me.

{a reality check - this is how most of the pictures turned out.  Notice how I've pinned Meaghan's hand down... she had been deliberately picking her nose just to get a reaction... and how DID that skipping rope end up in Dustin's hands?}

A Tough Go...

I wrote this several weeks ago after not having blogged for a while, and saved it in my drafts folder... I'm not struggling as much any more as the post below speaks of, but the feelings were very real... and one day I'll look back on this and remember how very *real* - and sometimes heart-wrenching - motherhood is, but at the same time, realize that I wouldn't change any of it.  The struggle is sweet.  The struggle causes me to rely on my Maker more deeply.  The struggle causes me to fight harder for my family.  The struggle is... good.

Yes, I am having a tough time of blogging these days.

I find that my little ones take up 99% of my time.  I'm not complaining, that's just the way it is in these sweet early days of having another infant.

However...
I'm struggling on a number of levels with different things.
I struggle with becoming more efficient at running my household.
I struggle with fatigue and emotions.
I struggle to find the truth between my feelings of inadequacy and the words of those who say I'm a great mom.
I struggle to see past *today* sometimes.

I got 10 hours of sleep last night, and yet it still doesn't seem like enough.  I have days where I just want to bury myself under my covers and recover from _____ (?).

I feel like everything I do is just not enough.  I can't clean fast enough (even though the 2 biggest do help a lot, as does Graeme).  I can't correct/discipline fast enough.  I can't *be* enough.

I am feeling stretched beyond my own capacity right now.  I feel the judgements of people waiting for me to stumble.  I feel like I always have to keep up the game-face, to be perfect.... to give them the opportunity to say, "See?  I told you so!"  I hate feeling like I have to be perfect.

I have lost myself, it seems.

I am so engrossed in the needs of these 4 little people and my husband that I don't even know who *I* am anymore.

I don't want much of myself, or *for* myself.  It's simple, really... I want to be able to exercise again.  To run.  To dream of actually doing something maybe just a little selfish - to improve my energy and head space so I can be all that God wants me to be.

Because right now, I don't feel at all like I'm coming close.


Update:
I am exercising... running, even.
I am coordinating the home better.
I am finding time to read here and there.  Not frilly fluffy books, but books that reach my core.
I am finding time to love each of my children.
Meals are easier to prepare.
Bathrooms even occasionally get cleaned.
I am still not sleeping enough, but the quality is better.  Spencer wakes once a night, rarely twice.  I need to get to bed earlier.
I don't feel quite so overwhelmed any more...
I am slowly finding myself again.
God is good.

Thoughts on relationships...

I was at a mini-retreat a few weeks ago, one night at our church.  There were 7 of us ladies; 6 participants and one leader.  The leader was kind enough to *resentfully and with much coercion* (ha!) hold Spencer for me so that I, too, could retreat.

The retreat was neat.  It was super-simple - mostly guided reflection - and it was wonderful.

A couple of ladies left when it was all over, and a few of us stayed behind for some chit-chat and some baby snuggling - Spencer was only about 5 weeks old at the time.  We all know each other reasonably well, and are very comfortable with each other.  I would've considered us all to be mutual friends already to some level or another.  Somehow we got to talking about relationships, and then...

...well, then I broke down.

I realized that I was really, really lonely.

And... I very, very quickly learned that several of us felt the exact same way.

But... why?

Well, here's the rationale:
Women who don't have kids feel like they are intruding on those that do.  The thought is that moms are busy enough with all their little ones, so why on earth would they want to add another relationship in there to nurture and feed?

The flip side is this - that as a mom, why would I even think that someone without kids would want to spend time with me?  After all, all I am is a mom of busy little ones.  Why is that interesting to someone without children?

The overarching theme is this - "What does she see in me, that I'm worth her time and effort?"

We don't feel like we're worth it.

But what we all do feel is this:  God has made us to crave relationships.  Relationships with Him, and relationships with each other.  We need each other.  God didn't create us to be alone.  He created us to learn from one another, to feed each other, to receive from each other, to challenge each other.

I've been afraid, on some level, to dive into new, deep relationships.  Having been deeply burned before, I am terrified of letting someone else in quite that closely.

I'm thankful that the walls came down that night, for all of us.  I love it when God does big things with relationships.  I love it when He teaches me about His desire for relationship with little old me at the same time.