My God is able...

...to do more than I could ever have asked or imagined... according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus...

I still cannot believe how fearful I was of having a third child.

I always wanted a third. Never a doubt. I never felt complete, even after Dustin and the physical struggles I had after he was born.

But I was so afraid.

Afraid that I would lose her. Distancing myself from her even at the earliest stages, in so many ways, so that I wouldn't be as hurt if something terrible did happen.

Afraid that if #3 was a tough baby, that I wouldn't be able to cope.

Afraid that I wouldn't reach my goals of a natural childbirth, knowing that natural childbirth can speed recovery and help reduce the risk of PPD, which I struggled with after Dustin, also.

Afraid that I wouldn't be healthy enough to take care of her and myself post-partum.

Afraid of failing my husband and boys.

Afraid that my already fragile state would be further broken. That my faith in God would waver. That He would not pull through for me and give me grace and strength to handle my new family.

But Meaghan is a special gift. Even if she would've been a tough baby, I would like to think I would still feel this way about her.

I often joke about having paid my dues with Dustin, so I *deserved* a good baby this time around.

I don't feel like I deserve this mercy God has given me. I don't feel like I deserve Meaghan. She is happier than I could ever imagine a baby to be. She is patient when I can't feed her right away. She is tougher than nails for what her brothers put her though. She is content and only really all-out cries when she's hurt (see previous sentence) or when I've put off her feed for far too long. She falls asleep at the drop of a hat, any time, anywhere. She nurses very well. She gazes at me. She smiles at me just because I'm her mama.

I feel as though every time Meaghan graces me with her gorgeous smile, that God is saying, "See? See how beautiful she is? I made her just for you. Because I know you needed her in this season."

Several times a day, when I'm nursing Meaghan, her little hand forms this perfect shape... my boys couldn't form it until they were 2 years old, but Meaghan regularly has her hand in the American Sign Language sign for "I love you." She places her hand by her face or on my breast and just makes the sign so perfectly. "I love you."

I love you, too, Baby Dollie. More than you will never know. More than I could have ever dreamed. You are just as much a gift to me as your brothers are. And I love you, Meaghan.