Maybe it's just because the wind has been so intense and I have a massive headache from all the pressure changes. Or maybe it's because I'm also dizzy all the time these days. Doesn't matter how much water I drink or what I eat to try and rebalance my electrolytes after exercise, I'm still dizzy.
Maybe it's because I'm officially "leading worship" again. I didn't want to take on a team... I really didn't. But one of the teams in our church is down a leader as two of her sons are getting married this summer. Pickings are sorta slim for strong vocal leaders, and so I was the go-to person. (That being said, I could've chosen a couple guys who could've done it, but I was told they *needed* a female lead.)
I don't mind "leading" as far as singing a strong melody... but leading an entire team is hard work.
And, without saying too much, this particular team struggles a bit with some negativity. Rehearsals are fraught with it. It's really really draining.
I don't fare well when surrounded by negativity. It brings me down. I can't function. I can't think straight. I get more irritable. It's not a good place to be. It's hard to pull a negative person up (believe me, I'm trying!), but it's really easy to be drawn into negativity yourself.
I'm not even sure I can just blame "the team"... I guess I'm still trying to figure out if my attitude about not leading a team is from *me*, or if it's of God. Can I do it? Yes. Does that mean I should? Not necessarily. And so the internal struggle ensues.
This is not a season of life where I can take something of this magnitude on. At least *I* don't think so. Maybe God has other ideas, and I'm wrestling with Him...? If this is the case, I know He will win. But then He will also have to convince my husband, and let me tell you, Graeme is a tougher case to win over than I can be. And God doesn't have to live with a grumpy husband, but I sure do...
I am trying to count my blessings. My Dustin will have his 4th birthday party tomorrow. I have the ability to lead worship, although I strongly doubt it sometimes... we are fortunate to have little friends for the boys, and I am blessed because my messy kitchen means I have someone worth celebrating.
But I am tired. I see the mountain (and I'm not kidding!) of paperwork strewn all over my once-pristine office, and remember that it's tax-time. There's a lot to fit into these next 3 weeks, and the pressure is heavy right now...
I'm thankful that God is more than sufficient... that He is all I need right now...
UGH!! I will pray for you to have the wisdom you need. If you need to keep leading this team or if what really needs to happen is for you to walk away from the leading of it and just lend your voice. Just because we CAN do something doesn't mean we should, you know that, you said it. :) Follow your dh's lead. If he says to drop it, then do.
ReplyDeleteThe problem, Sara, is that sometimes my dh resists the pulling of the Lord, even when he knows it's the right thing... That adds to the confusion!! :)
ReplyDeleteYesterday went well enough... the team pulled it together, and pulled *themselves* together relationally and put aside attitude issues... :) God still worked despite my own insecurities and frailties. I am thankful.
And the party was fun. Post to follow in the next day or two...