Ever wonder what it would be like to be perfect? Ever wonder what it would be like to be able to rationalize (and expect others to believe and pat them on the back for) the reasons for their behaviour? Hmmm...
I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect. I'll be the first to admit I've said things recently to hurt people - things that I regret. I'll be the first to admit that I need some shaping up. Truly, I do. And I'm working on it - with the help of some good Godly counsel and some honest-to-goodness friends, I am slowly moving towards that end.
I spent much of my early life living with someone who thought he was perfect... who could never do any wrong... who could rationalize every nasty act and bad word as simply 'out of stress' or whatever, without ever taking any responsibility for it.
There's a part of me that wants to hope beyond hope that every damaged relationship can be repaired. But then there's that part of me that has tried and tried again - sometimes for years, in certain cases - and has gotten the slap across the face in the form of deliberate provoking. But how long do you expose yourself to that before you understand that there's something better for you out there?
Is it too much to ask of 'friends' that they don't provoke you? Goodness, it shouldn't even be something to *have* to ask - it's simply understood. I have many friends who don't necessarily believe the same things that I do, but neither side would ever dream of deliberately hurting the other. I like that 'safe place'.
But does there come a time when you simply throw in the towel and decide that you've had enough of the toxicity? It's not about avoiding conflict - most good relationships have had (and subsequently reconciled) conflict. And I've definitely travelled that road, too. But what about when there is no resolution? Would one expect to just sweep it under the carpet and pretend it doesn't exist? Or would one eventually decide "enough is enough" - and that you can't invest any more emotional effort into something that is one-way, draining, and eventually false? Remember, I'm not talking about a week or so - I'm talking about an extended period of time when one party feels like they've done what they can, and it's just tossed back in their face as if they've done nothing to try and salvage the relationship.
Undoubtedly, a breakup such as this can only be hard and cause all sorts of emotions to rise, many negative, causing you to wonder if there ever was anything good in there? And unfortunately there are often 'associated' people with whom the common link is cut - what about those people?
I'm not asking for perfection, but rather mutual understanding and respect and encouragement. I don't want to settle for superficial relationships on which there is no common ground just for the sake of...what?
I want friends who are true to themselves. I want friends with whom I have a safe place - to laugh, to cry, to rejoice, to grieve, or to just 'be'. I want to know that my friends will lovingly call me out on something they see that is not consistent with the character I am trying to develop. I want them to challenge me when the need arises. I want friends with whom, even though I haven't seen them in a year, I can still pick up a conversation and feel like we just talked yesterday.
I have that now. I really have that now. Bring it on! :)
Blessings!
M.
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