Baby

I saw my doctor today...

I was prepared for *the worst*...

The baby hadn't moved to speak of in almost 36 hours.  Some teeny rolls, but that's it.  I remember Jen telling me that with Brennan, she felt him with those gentle rolls even after his sweet heart had stopped beating...apparently something to do with the baby floating in the water... I hope I'm remembering that correctly.  

So yeah, mentally, I was a bit one-track-minded today.

But I was also at peace.

Knowing that God was in control no matter what... that no amount of worrying I could do would change His mind or His will.

I kept thinking, "What are the chances?"  A mama's imagination goes wild in pregnancy at times, especially when someone close to her has suffered tragedy in her own pregnancy.

But my question didn't matter in some ways.... God is still sovereign.  

And then... I heard that heart beat good and strong at 150.  The highest it's been in ages.  An incredible relief.

The doctor is still sending me for a non-stress test tomorrow to make sure that the baby is responding properly to stimulus - Babe was probably just really sleepy and responding to my own lack of rest lately, and so even if s/he is sleepy tomorrow during the test, they have ways of making the little one wake up to get the results they want to see.

And so he wants to also keep a closer eye on me over the next week or so - basically until this baby is born. 

Sometimes I think little scares like this are designed to bring awareness of our faith in God.  Would I trust Him enough to know that He loves me and cares for me, even if He had taken my baby?  How else could I explain the peace that passed my own understanding? 

Breathing sighs of relief and prayers of thanksgiving tonight,

M.